Jersey Shore’s Situation Rap: The Song of the Summer?

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Lana Turner was discovered sitting at a lunch counter. Marilyn Monroe was discovered working on a factory assembly line. Mike Sorrentino was discovered showing off his abdominal muscles on an MTV reality show. Stars can be made in all sorts of ways.

Sorrentino, better known for his synecdochic nickname ‘The Situation,’ is attempting to follow in the footsteps of Turner and Monroe and leap from humble origins to showbiz fame. But while those earlier stars spent years working their way through the studio system, Sorrentino has released a novelty rap single, creatively titled “The Situation.” Much easier that way, really.

The track leaked yesterday and, unfortunately, it is neither a sprightly summer earworm nor a glorious trainwreck. Using the heavy Autotune sound that makes anyone’s voice sound adequate, Sorrentino raps over a generic synths/horns/’WHAT?”s beat about going to a club and picking up women. His flow is subpar and his rhymes are lame, with no traces of originality or creativity: “Where the ladies at? / I ain’t at the bar to get drunk alone / I’m gonna take a hottie home / She’s sniffin’ on my $85 cologne.” With this boast and others, there’s none of the playfulness that marks the bragging of other (actual) rappers. It’s not bad enough to inspire hatred, just a dull sense of dislike.

The song closes with this philosophical inquiry: “You can hate all you want, but what can you possibly say to somebody who’s ripped up like … Rambo?” How about this: Rambo used his muscles to defeat Communism. You use your muscles to get people to take your picture in nightclubs. You, sir, are no Rambo. (via New York Magazine)