Seriously, people, I think we all need a vacation here.
Three-quarters of the way through the summer of heat waves, oil spills and unemployment, this week began on a positive note. Temperatures were cooling, the spill was capped, and hopes were high that we were well on our way to an economic rebound. People smiled. Birds chirped. Rainbows doubled.
Then things started turning sour right around the time that I saw this:
This depressing viral montage of an ailing economy was suddenly ratified by a slew of depressing headlines. Thursday witnessed the release of cryptic 9-month-high unemployment numbers. Then came the news that there’s a massive, Manhattan-sized plume of diluted oil flowing 3,000 feet beneath the Gulf surface. Oh, and I better not forget the mountain of garbage floating in the Atlantic Ocean. Great way to finish the week there!
But oil and unemployment aside, this was the week where so much else was ruined for us as well. Let’s begin with Natalie Portman and the trailer for her new movie Black Swan - which is still giving us nightmares (when we’re able to get over our fears of bedbugs and finally fall asleep). And then baseball, the indictment of Roger Clemens for perjury, and the ongoing realization that steroids seems as popular to some ball players as peanuts and Cracker Jacks.
But wait, there’s more: Dr. Laura Schlessinger, after spouting the N-word on the airwaves, announced that she’d be ending her radio show at the end of her current contract. A lightning rod for criticism – as well as support from Sarah Palin – Dr. Laura was somehow nudged out of the booth before Howard Stern. Who would have imagined that radio could still get anyone mad? Is this 1930? What’s next: Scandal over ankle skin?
Church apparently is a controversial hot spot too. The plans to build a place of prayer several blocks – otherwise known as “several miles” in New York-speak – from the Ground Zero site in New York City has dominated the news cycle for a week now. Because apparently there’s been no other news to cover besides the Ground Zero Mosque. In an exclusive revelation that still has the world reeling NewsFeed exposed that there is already a Ground Zero Mosque. And we have the video to prove it.
And then, yep, breakfast. Now breakfast is out to get you too. With salmonella-laced eggs now floating through the country, numerous brands have been recalled. What once was the no-brainer breakfast of lazy bums coast to coast has become a source for health concerns.
Nothing, though, can match what this week has done to bananas. Yes, bananas. This was the week where bananas – our haven of potassium, our yogurt’s best friend – turned filthy. As if to add insult to injury, one of NewsFeed’s most read stories this week concerned a white supremacist who dressed up as a banana, wielded a shotgun, exposed himself to strangers, and got himself arrested.
How fondly I remember a time when such a story would have been the most bizarre and depressing thing to happen in a given week. But this is 2010, where a perverted, armed banana is merely the insult following the injury.
So enjoy your weekend, we’ll be back to report on the strangest year ever bright and early Monday.