Sample Some British Humour! The Official List Of The Best British Jokes

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A study by OnePoll.com has compiled a list of the best British jokes. The website asked around 40,000 people to vote for their top 50 out of a list of 1000, scoured from the internet. The idea came after the Edinburgh Fringe Festival hit the headlines for having a particularly good joke of the year: “I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”

The list confirms that old ones really are the best ones, with jokes from classic British comedians like Tommy Cooper, who died in 1984, and Les Dawson, who died in 1993, featuring heavily in the list. Cooper has five jokes in the top ten alone. (See video below) The joke at number one was: A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.” (Read about Slapstick Humor)

John Sewell, of www.OnePoll.com, said, β€œIt’s nice to see jokes from the greats like Tommy Cooper and Les Dawson are still up there and the ugly baby tale is a worthy winner. Many of the jokes in the list are fairly timeless and will still be making people chuckle in thirty years or more.” (Check out 5 Laughs From Aziz Ansari)

The rest of the top 10 was as follows-

2. “I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.”

3. “Dyslexic man walks into a bra.”

4. A young blond woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blond responds to the husband, “Shut up…you’re next!”

5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag: “I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

7. Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married. The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant.

8. Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’. ‘Is it common?’ I asked. ‘It’s not unusual,’ he replied.

9. “I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.”

10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: “Pint please, and one for the road.”

(For a list of the top 50, visit the Telegraph.)

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