Think Like the Chaplin Time Traveler: The 10 Historical Events We’d Crash

Why we'd go: Sure the music, and the free love would be pretty rad, but the main reason we want to go to Woodstock is so we can be proper Boomers and lord our attendance over younger generations.




What we'd be saying on the phone: "What acid were we not supposed to take? The brown or the blue?" (Note: This joke does not ... endorse the use of drugs.)




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Why we'd go: The Bourbon regime may have overextended France's military committments and implemented a disastrous monetary policy, but we hear they threw some awesome parties! NewsFeed doesn't like to toot our own horn, but we think we'd probably look really good in a powdered wig.




What we'd be saying on the phone: ... "Guess what? They let me eat cake!"



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Why we'd go: OK, we're operating this slideshow on the assumption that time is a closed loop, which means we cannot undo things that happened in the past. We'd still want to go to Dallas in November 1963, though, just so we can try and piece together what really happened that day.




What we'd be saying on the phone: "Hey, ... can you get on Google Maps? Where do I need to stand to have a good view of the Grassy Knoll?"



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Why we'd go: Yes, it's for basically the same reason we'd go to Dallas: to see who really killed those prostitutes in the East End of London in 1888. But we've long been fans of Alan Moore's classic graphic novel From Hell, and we're dying to see if it all happened the way Moore dreamt it up. (As real-life killings rarely ... include wacky theories about Masonry and the nature of the fourth dimension, we're guessing it probably did not.)




What we'd be saying on the phone: "This really isn't as fun as we thought it would be."



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Why we'd go: Come on, lady time traveler. If you're going to go to any film premiere in history, why would you choose the one for Charlie Chaplin's Circus? Obviously you'd want to go to the premiere of Shampoo, the 1975 satire of late '60s sexual mores that starred Warren Beatty, Julie Christie and Goldie Hawn. You know that ... was a party right there.




What we'd be saying on the phone: "Sorry, I can't hear you. Warren Beatty's hair is messing with my reception."



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Why we'd go: Is this a cop-out answer? We don't care. It's the moon!

What we'd be saying on the phone: "I'm so glad I found that extra spacesuit!"

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Getty Images

Why we'd go: It's not every day you get to witness the birth of a major world religion, and well, given the choice between this and the crucifixation of Jesus, we'll choose the one that doesn't involve a man being brutally killed.

What we'd be saying on the phone: "Shhh! We're trying to achieve enlightenment!"

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Why we'd go: Reportedly only around 35 people went to this concert, but nearly all of them ended up starting a band. Amongst the attendees: future members of the Smiths, the Buzzcocks, Joy Division and the Fall. If we were at this show, maybe we'd be rock stars too!




What we'd be saying on the phone: "Hey, can you teach ... me how to play an E chord?"



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Why we'd go: While we were technically present for our birth — indeed, we were at the very center of it — we don't exactly remember it. And when you think about it, that was arguably the most important day of our life!

What we'd be saying on the phone: "[inaudible cooing]"