10 Ways to Say “I Love You?” The Most Ridiculous Valentine’s Day Gifts on the Market

Presenting the TwoDaLoo ($14,000), for the couple that likes to do everything together. There's no reason that valuable minutes spent on the toilet need to be spent apart. Simultaneously get rid of the bathroom wait while staring longingly into your love birds' eyes. Bonus: it saves the environment with just one flush of water!

For the Valentine that likes everything as straightforward as possible. This edible bleeding heart ($11.24) is scarily realistic, made of red velvet sponge cake, cream cheese frosting, and black current and cherry "blood." This will show your love the true source of your feelings. Bonus: you can relive high school biology ... dissection labs as you eat this pastry organ!

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Worried that your Valentine forgets about your personal life during the work day? This humping dog USB drive ($9.99) will remind your special someone of the fun you have when you're together. Bonus: this dog stores your files!

Stuffed bears are out and stuffed STDs are in! This collectible five-some — Chlamydia, HPV, Herpes, the Clap and the Pox — are the new Beanie Babies. If your Valentine is squeamish with this gift, remind him or her that it's infinitely better than the real-life inspiration. Bonus: they're kinda cute, no?

If you are what you eat, then there's no better meal to give to your special someone than this heart shaped steak ($8.37). Give packaged or prepared, depending on who's the better chef. Bonus: this thing is so big you'll get to enjoy half the dinner yourself.

This romantic toilet paper ($14.99) reads, "I love you from top to bottom." With this hefty price tag, this roll's not ideal for teepeeing, yet adds an element of luxury to every bathroom. Bonus: it's functional and poetic.

If your Valentine is furry and has four legs you should opt for these aroma therapy candles ($32) designed specifically for your pooch. For the spoiled pup, five flavors are available in total, including "Fart and Away" and "Day in the Hamptons." Bonus: the folks at Sniff Candles say these not only smell good, they're ... therapeutic, too.

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Is your special someone anti-Valentine's Day? Then get him or her an Ahmadinejad T-shirt ($22.95). After all, the day celebrating love is banned from Iran. Bonus: the wearer of this shirt probably will not be wished "Happy Valentine's" by anyone.

It was only a matter of time before this innovative book was written. The Snuggie Sutra provides several fun ideas for Valentine's activities including you, your loved one and your favorite blanket with arm holes. Bonus: if the Kama Sutra is too graphic for you, the illustrations with Snuggie are a bit more PG.

If all your special someone says he or she wants for Valentine's this year is chocolate, get him or her chocolate like no one's seen before: in car form. Mercedes-Benz released this chocolate themed smart car ($28,902) in Japan. Bonus: you can actually drive the car. Has any box of chocolates ever done that before?