You shouldn’t have, Ricky. No, really.
This weekend’s Oscar hosts, James Franco and Anne Hathaway, have probably been getting plenty of advice as their big moment in the Academy spotlight approaches. You know the kind of thing: don’t look nervous, don’t have a wardrobe malfunction and don’t even think about introducing Uma to Oprah (that’s one for our older readers). But could they have banked on the enfant terrible of the hosting world, British comedian Ricky Gervais, actually going to the trouble of penning an opening monologue for them?
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Gervais, you’ll recall, came under some serious fire last month in light of his Golden Globe presenting, where he took much of Hollywood to task. And now, because he’s clearly a kind-hearted chap, Ricky has scripted out the entire opening for Franco and Hathaway. (Warning: Some of the following language may offend.)
The first zinger is “Franco” saying, “You probably know me from 127 Hours where I play a man trapped in an enclosed space who decides he would rather cut his own arm off than stay where he was. Now that sounds “way out” but wait till half way through this f___ing ceremony and you’ll start to identify with him.”
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“Hathaway” soon gets all self-referential (well, bearing in mind that “she” is Gervais) with a nod to the fact that the room can relax that everyone’s favorite Brit isn’t in attendance.
“But you can all relax because Ricky Gervais is in London…
He’s doing some charity work. Yeah, he’s visiting orphans with cancer. He’s telling them what bald little losers they are…”
You get the picture. The entire monologue can be found at Ricky’s blog where he riffs about the likes of Angelina Jolie, George Clooney and Ben Stiller, as well as dentistry and eating disorders. Yes indeed, even when he’s nowhere near Hollywood, Ricky Gervais will still be here all week.