A Split Second of Shock: The 8 Most Outrageous Two and a Half Men Vanity Cards

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Chuck Lorre (L) and Charlie Sheen attend a panel discussion for "Two And A Half Men."

Frederick M. Brown / Getty Images

Two and a Half Men creator Chuck Lorre takes the precious few seconds at the tail end of each of his shows to speak his mind. Blink (or fail at operating your DVR) and they’re gone in a flash.

But after facing heat for his potshots in his past few cards attacking embattled star Charlie Sheen, he’s decided to dispose of the commentary and settle instead to “share an actual piece of Chuck that is incapable of offending anyone.” Monday’s Two and a Half Men showed a little skin – from Lorre’s flabby elbow. And during Thursday’s Big Bang Theory, CBS censored a blurry yet raunchy photo of Chuck’s knuckle.

The awkward photos leave us wanting the textual explicitness back.  So NewsFeed went on a bender, searching for Lorre’s most brazen (but still safe for work) comments in the vanity cards.

On recklessness | #324: Do not attempt to replicate what you saw in tonight’s episode … Please keep in mind that we employ a highly-paid Hollywood professional who has years of experience with putting his life at risk. And sadly no, I’m not talking about our stunt man.

On personal health and poor choices | #329: I see my doctor once a year and my dentist twice a year … I see a psychologist and have a variety of hobbies to reduce stress. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I don’t do drugs. I don’t have crazy, reckless sex with strangers. If Charlie Sheen outlives me, I’m gonna be really pissed.

(More on TIME.com: See Charlie Sheen’s infamous hotel-trashing incident)

On foreshadowing, from March 2009 | #246: Charlie drinks a lot on Two and a Half Men. With the exception of the occasional “funny hangover” scene, he regularly makes drinking to excess look elegant, cool, sexy and fun. Given that the reality of drinking like Charlie is a nightmarish descent into alcoholism, liver disease, broken marriages, lost jobs, devastated families and friends, jails, insanity, institutions and, very often, death, the argument could be made that this is extremely irresponsible on our part.

On production shenanigans | #241: Q: How do you get away with the dirty jokes?
A: Our network censor is a drunk. She often comes to rehearsals completely bombed. This gives us a lot of leeway.

(More on TIME.com: See the 10 best TV series of 2010.)

On self-satisfaction | #211: I should also add that I am aware and deeply appreciative of the blogging that goes on around my cards. I do occasionally lurk at various web sites to see what folks are saying. I enjoy the discourse while simultaneously feeling a deep, nagging fear that any of these people might someday learn my home address.

On daily minutiae | #286: – In public bathrooms I will sometimes use the “children’s urinal” in order to feel like a giant.
- There are mornings when, for no perceivable reason, I turn into a teenage girl and repeatedly change my outfit.
- I floss so that my dentist will be proud of me.
- My one attempt at manscaping ended in bloodshed.

(More on TIME.com: See the top 10 celebrity relationship flameouts)

On emoticon abundance | #281: Sideways Smiley Face died on March 14, 2010, surrounded by his loved ones. The cause of death was over-use. … His other interests included frowning and winking. He is survived by his children, Sideways Surprised Face, [and] Sideways Glasses Face … In lieu of flowers, Mr. Face’s family has requested that people use actual words to express their feelings.

On quotes to live by | #169: “There is a fine line between stubborn and stupid.” – Pete Dexter
“What doesn’t kill us, makes us bitter.” – Chuck Lorre

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