How to Thwart a Robbery While Looking Awesome in Four Easy Steps

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Convenience store ownership is possibly as dangerous an occupation as any, with unnoticed spills in the aisles, sugar-fixed prepubescents loitering after school, and the occasional armed robbery which pits the store attendee against gunmen who think of knocking you off in the same way everyone else does withdrawing from a bank.

But there are people like Kamil Alakabi, the owner of Lewis Street Market in Nashville who went head-to-head and gun-to-gun against two would-be robbers and after the smoke cleared, sent them running for their lives. Alakabi’s actions against the gunmen seem to have become pretty textbook in robberies where criminals are fought off. Not that NewsFeed would ever suggest fighting a person who is pointing a gun in your face. On the contrary: the thing to do is give him what he wants and let him leave. Cash, jewelry or Honey Buns are not worth your life.

But Alakabi’s success in this case is enough for a NewsFeed guide on How to Thwart a Convenience Store Robbery in Four Easy Steps:

1) Be sure your surveillance camera video is in working order and is on at all times, even when your establishment is closed. It not only helps police to track down suspects, it makes you a hero to every wannabe vigilante in the country who doesn’t really have the testicular fortitude to be Steve Freakin’ McQueen.

2) Equip yourself and your co-worker with a working firearm complete with live rounds. That way when two assailants come and tackle you, then pistol whip you, your buddy can hop from behind the counter, busting caps at them, taking them off guard until you begin to fire your own magazine.

3) Fire wildly if you must, but make sure you get off more shots than the robbers. Because although criminals seem dangerous, they are notoriously bad shots with little, if any gun training.  It doesn’t matter if you hit the coffee machine, the beverage cooler or the beef jerky (it does matter, however, if you hit a customer because death is typically bad for business). If you are firing off more than they are, they will cower, then try to escape. Besides, why the hell are you paying for insurance if you’re not going to use it?

4) Restock immediately. It’s not even rush hour yet and you’ve been screwing around all this time with guys whose bumbling idiocy wouldn’t even make COPS. Customers are waiting, and Slushees have to be made! Chop Chop!

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