“Kids today have it made,” a Jeff Foxworthy comedy bit starts. “‘Cause if they don’t like what’s on television, they’ve got 700 channels to choose from. Remember how many channels we got when we were kids? Three. And if the President was on, your night was shot.” Lucky for you, you’re not Jeff Foxworthy as a child. If you want to watch something besides the wedding on TV tomorrow, you’ve got options.
The TV coverage of the wedding is already starting, but it will really take off after midnight. Here is a suggested EST schedule, though, if you’re really not interested, you should probably go to bed and sleep like a normal person.
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1 a.m. to 3 a.m.
Watch The Whole Nine Yards, the Matthew Perry-Bruce Willis mobcom, which is playing on Ion. Or enjoy She’s Having a Baby, one of John Hughes’ lesser-known movies, which weaves the tale of a man adjusting to suburban life. (The latter goes to 3:30 a.m. on AMC.) Both nice, solid starters with either way more gun fighting or way more Kevin Bacon than the nuptials will be providing.
3 a.m. to 3:30 a.m.
Either finish your Hughes flick, or enjoy Yard Crashers on DIY, which will be featuring the Top 10 coolest backyard projects. We assume this will involve things along the lines of spiral-shaped trampolines and homemade lazy rivers. Or both of those things somehow combined with a thriving lemonade stand.
3:30 a.m. to 4 a.m.
Watch 1,000 Ways to Die on Spike TV. The tease includes talk of a deadly bathroom break, a housewife’s demise and a cheating gambler’s last hand. So, obviously, there is no need for a second option.
4 a.m. to 5 a.m.
This is when the coverage really blows up across the listings. Lucky for you, NewsFeed has identified a few outs: Law & Order: Special Victims Unit on USA (schizophrenia, death, intrigue) or The Three Stooges on AMC (eye-poking, pie fights, people falling over).
5 a.m. to 6 a.m.
There’s a show called Weird, True & Freaky on Animal Planet. Say no more!
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6 a.m. to 8 a.m.
If you’ve got a good spread of premium channels, tune to HBO Signature for Rear Window — a Hitchcock classic about spying on your neighbors — or rewatch Benny & Joon on IFC, a romantic drama in which Johnny Depp does a shockingly good job of channeling physical comedian Buster Keaton.
8 a.m. to 8:30 a.m.
At 8:25 a.m., the newlywed couple (that’s right, you already got through the hard part) will stand on the balcony of Buckingham Palace with the Queen and greet the peons gathered below, after which you’ve successfully avoided letting the event ruin your TV watching. To get through this last half hour, you’ve got all sorts of syndicated goodness: Saved By The Bell: The College Years (thank you, TBS) or Fraiser on the Hallmark channel, or even Beverly Hillbillies on WGN, because it’s hard to be worse than a live feed of people waving.
And if none of that sounds appealing but you’re still feeling defiant, you can always just go buy a DVD of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour and watch Foxworthy et al. on repeat; after all, Larry the Cable Guy is, scientifically, the opposite of a royal wedding.
(More on TIME.com: See our complete coverage of the royal wedding)