We hope you got out your popcorn and jujubes, because it was movie night on Dancing with the Stars, complete with honest-to-God Hollywood royalty in the audience.
That’s right, Cher was there, and she and her elaborately coiffed hair were perched patiently on the sidelines waiting for son Chaz to hoof it on center stage. Let’s see how he and his competitors fared on the dance floor this week:
Best dance: After performing a dramatic tango to the theme from Psycho, Ricki Lake and Derek Hough notched this season’s first tens, putting Lake firmly at the top of the leaderboard.
Best diss: After David Arquette swung in on a vine to kick off his paso dobles to the Indiana Jones theme song, the audience went wild. However when the dust settled, Judge Len Goodman dismissed the performance as “Temple of Doom.” Look on the bright side, David, at least he didn’t say it was “Crystal Skull.” (Which actually wouldn’t have made any sense.)
Best epiphany: Carson Kressley was able to connect to the Pirates of the Caribbean theme song by realizing that pirates were just “men in tight pants fighting over jewelry,” which he could obviously relate to.
Best entry: Tony Dovolani descended from the ceiling Tom Cruise-style to dance the tango with Chynna Phillips to the Mission: Impossible theme song. Unfortunately, Chynna flubbed her steps and the dance self-destructed.
Oddest statement: Tom Bergeron’s comment that, “You can never go wrong with spray tans and light sabers,” after the resident dance troupe sent five topless men with light sabers to dance battle it out in the dark to the Star Wars theme song.
Most uninspiring costume: Soccer star Hope Solo and partner Maksim Chmerkovskiy, who descended the stairs in matching cowboy ensembles—with Maks’ body covered from neckerchief to boots. Luckily they pulled off a crowd- (and judge-) pleasing foxtrot to the Toy Story theme song …and truthfully, Maks’ pants were pretty tight.
Grumpiest judge of the evening: Len Goodman is always stodgy, but he really wore his crabby pants to the evening’s performance. He chided Hope and Maks for not practicing enough, accused Rob Kardashian of dancing like he was “handing out appetizers,” and generally rained on everybody’s parade. Only former Queer Eye star Carson Kressley came up with an appropriate response: he pulled back his pirate shirt to reveal a heart-shaped Len tattoo on his chest.
Most unexpected guest star: Fitness guru Richard Simmons was called in to help train Chaz Bono before his dance to the Rocky theme. Apparently Richard had a positive influence on the author and activist, because even Judge Len had to admit that the paso dobles was Chaz’s best performance thus far. The dance was so moving, it brought Cher to the brink of tears, which she may have been able to produce had Botox not rendered her tear ducts inoperable.
Most disappointing performance of the night: Veteran-turned-actor J.R. Martinez has sailed through the competition thus far on the strength of his dance steps. Last week’s heart-wrenching performance had fans waiting to see what was next. Yet his dance to the theme from The Pink Panther was shockingly snooze worthy.
Most likely to leave: It’s time for Nancy Grace to pack up her many weaves and wigs and head home. For the fourth week in a row she delivered yet another technically solid yet wildly uninspiring dance. It’s time for the bulldog of HLN to get back to her day job of yelling at Amanda Knox already.