Monday night on Dancing with the Stars saw everyone hoofing it to music from movies like Indiana Jones, Psycho and Toy Story. The drama was high, the stunts over the top (David Arquette swung in on a vine!), the judging overinflated, and the audience full of stars (Cher) as well as people who once played secondary characters on shows that used to be big (Ian Ziering). But who got kicked off? And who is Ian Ziering? Let’s find out.
The verdict: Chynna Phillips couldn’t hold on for one more day. (We’re pretty sure we’re going to be the only recap that makes this joke.) After the singer blanked on her dance steps mid-Mission: Impossible tango, she was unable to regain momentum. And while Chynna was once a frontrunner, all it takes on this cutthroat competition is one very noticeable mistake. America does not forgive. The biggest tragedy of this early departure? Chynna got booted before ’80s week, which was obviously made for her.
Best performance: Raphael Saadiq and his troupe of hip-swinging trumpet players performing “Soul Man.” When did the dancers learn to play instruments? They are the most impressive people on this show.
Best advice: “Nipples in. Don’t fart. Do well.” —Tristan McManus’s wise suggestion to Nancy Grace before their performance.
Biggest error: Brooke Burke-Charvet announcing that the song Susan Boyle would be singing from Ghost was “Enchanted Melody.” Can someone remind the Brooke-Bot 2000 that it’s actually “Unchained Melody”? Worst case, try ctrl + alt + delete on her motherboard.
Best (and we mean worst) product plug: Ricki Lake wanted to go out and celebrate her top scores with partner Derek Hough, but he had to stay and practice with his “stupid sister.” Yep, ex-DWTS denizen Julianne Hough showed up to promote her film Footloose by dancing with little brother Derek in an only marginally creepy manner.
Biggest surprise: When audience member Dr. Phil announced that he thought Nancy Grace was brave for stepping so far out of her comfort zone, it seemed like an omen. Yet Nancy was called out safe, which means Amanda Knox is going to have to yell at herself for awhile.
The world’s smallest violin goes to: Everyone! Apparently competing on a nationally-broadcast dancing show is hard work. To prove this point, the producers gave us a montage of the stars describing the difficulties of having to dance for fame and money.
Best double entendre: Chaz Bono declaring that he couldn’t believe he “touched Carrie Ann Inaba.” When his partner Lacey Schwimmer laughed, he followed it with, “I bet you want to know where I touched her, huh?” Chaz, your mother is watching this show!
Most Kardashian moment: During some behind-the-dance footage Cheryl Burke told her partner Rob Kardashian that he definitely got judge Carrie Ann Inaba’s vote. Rob responded to this good news by asking Cheryl if Carrie Ann was single. Twice.
Come back next week when ’80s night rolls into town. (Oh, and Ian Ziering is used to be on 90210. Remember?)