Vermin Supreme: The Presidential Candidate Who Promises Free Ponies

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Does it ever feel like politicians are afraid to address the issues that really matter? Well, not Vermin Supreme. If elected president, the self-proclaimed “friendly fascist” promises to instate a nationwide tooth-brushing law and provide a federally subsidized pony to every American citizen.

Finally, a candidate who understands what the Founding Fathers were talking about.

Although other presidential hopefuls might seem like satirical parodies at times, Vermin Supreme is indeed a performance artist, and his foray into politics began long before his 2012 presidential campaign. According to CNBC, this year marks Supreme’s third appearance in the New Hampshire primary, part of his ongoing quest to become “Emperor for the New Millennium.”

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In December, the Dumbledore-esque satirist appeared at a forum for lesser-known Democratic candidates in New Hampshire. Sporting his trademark boot fashioned as a hat, he discussed the key tenets of his platform, which centers largely on dental hygiene. “For too long,” he declared, “this country has been suffering a great moral and oral decay in spirit and incisors.”

Though unabashedly ludicrous, Supreme’s discourse did address socially relevant topics, like the nation’s increasing dependence on foreign oil.  For some a complex issue, for forward-thinking Supreme the solution is clear: harness the power of zombies to create energy. Plans to turn pony poop into methane gas — in conjunction with the federal pony identification program — are also in the works. There, problem solved.

Supreme’s political and social involvement, however, extend beyond his presidential pursuits. Blast Magazine reported that the performance artist has appeared at Occupy Boston demonstrations, temporarily shedding his signature get-up and donning a superhero/Uncle Sam/devil/clown costume. When asked about his reasons for occupying, he explained, “The system! The whole stinking ball of wax. It’s a scam!”

Luckily, Supreme knows exactly how to fix the system if elected come November: “Bite the bullet, and together make America a sea of shining smiles, from sea to shiny sea.”

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