U.S. Government Confirms: There Are No Mermaids

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Sorry, Ariel, looks like you’ll never be part of our world.

The U.S. National Ocean Service (NOS) made the firm announcement that mermaids do not exist. This announcement came in response to public inquiries into the NOS’ mermaid science program after a show about mythical creatures on the channel Animal Planet.

“No evidence of aquatic humanoids has ever been found,” the NOS’s press release read, dispelling any rumors that “those half-human, half-fish sirens of the sea” are anything more than legend and the stuff of Disney movies.

Mermaids: the Body Found was part of Animal Planet’s monster week and is described on the website as “science fiction based on some real events and scientific theory.”

(MORE: Hipster Ariel Meme Was On Tumblr Before You Were)

Apparently, the underwater world depicted in the show seemed so real that many watching it thought it was a documentary.  This may have been because of the two scientists in the program who testified that “they found the remains of a never-before-identified sea creature.” It also could have been because the Aquatic Ape theory—which states that humans had a mermaid-like ancestor during our evolutionary process—was also discussed prominently during the show.

The film points to humans’ loss of body hair and slightly webbed fingers as evidence of a long lost aquatic equivalent.

The NOS ended its somewhat whimsical press release with the assertion that scientists should not be the ones to look towards a mermaid’s origin. “Why, then, do [mermaids] occupy the collective unconscious of nearly all seafaring peoples?” the National Ocean Service asked its readers. “That’s a question best left to historians, philosophers, and anthropologists.”

And, of course, women of all ages who still sing the “sha-la-la-la”’s in “Kiss the Girl“.

18 comments
jcaprio28
jcaprio28

Riiiight that's all were waiting for.... The govt to tell us the truth hahaha.dont hold your breath. Just look at the video of the two doctors in the submarine video taping their expedition... Clear as day.. They were officially discovered at the beginning of march this year.

Chase Beaudette
Chase Beaudette

The UK discovers the God Particle and the US finds out mermaids are not real.... Awesome

EconomicDepression
EconomicDepression

Thank GOD we have the government keeping us safe from these creatures in the sea. Check this site out they actually seized it! LOL. Can you imagine aliens looking down at these clowns laughing their heads off as the most bizarre gov't in the universe..

http://mermaidsarealive.com/

ganmerlad
ganmerlad

It is a hoax showing up on several websites connected to the mermaid thing, all owned by the same people.    The seized notice is a photo on the websites called mermaids_web.jpg  (look at the page source) 

Here is a legit seized site... http://www.bodog.com/

BellyFlower
BellyFlower

Way to ruin dreams amp; imagination douche bags!

infonomics
infonomics

No mermaids...and confirmed too...by the government no less.  Well, a posturepedic sleep for me tonight.

Neal Erickson
Neal Erickson

On the day that CERN announces the probably discovery of the Higgs Boson, our government has to issue announcements to make it clear that a horrible show on Animal Planet isn't real. 

ganmerlad
ganmerlad

The National Ocean Service is only a small part of  'our government', and tends to only make announcements on ocean related maters.  They don't have the authority to talk about particle physics. 

William Harper
William Harper

One wonders how much taxpayer cash it took them to come up with this while the whole inner solar system waits as the prize for the nation that can contrive a decent spaceship. Fortune favors the bold not the zany!

Mark McDermott
Mark McDermott

Meanwhile, taxpayer cash in Louisiana is going to school vouchers for a curriculum that teaches that Nessie is real, and Japanese fishermen caught a pleiosaur, which "proves" that evolution is bunk. Wonder why the Higgs Boson was discovered in Europe?

ganmerlad
ganmerlad

 Do you mean how much taxpayer money it takes to make a Animal Planet show about mythical creatures?  None.  Or do you mean NOS typing up a press release/web page light-heartedly saying there are no mermaids?  I don't know, $75?  (it is a very short web page)  Lighten up!  (With that attitude, I *definitely* won't direct you to the CDC's taxpayer funded web page on how to deal with a zombie attack.)

summit1986
summit1986

Zombies are real!  Kidding aside, the zombie report is pretty relevant if you apply the steps to any large scale super-pandemic.

ganmerlad
ganmerlad

Yes, it is actually useful advice for any mass scale panic situation. It isn't a throw-away page, the CDC was very clever about it.

odubya23
odubya23

You sound like you're brain is still stuck in the Nineteen Fifties.  

The "whole inner Solar System"?  Gotta beat the Chinese to Mercury, or they'll rename all the craters!  Goodness knows the Russians are gonna invade Venus any minute, we HAVE to beat them to that two-hundred atmosphere, sulfuric acid paradise!  DOESN'T ANYONE CARE ABOUT THE MOON?  We got plenty of problems here on Earth, pal.  Why don't you try to make your own neighborhood a little better before you start crying about the Inner Solar System, trends show we'd just screw that up too.

D. L. Partyka
D. L. Partyka

I'm NOT taking the Governments word on this. I want an 8 million dollar Grant to do my own research into the FACTS!