Brontë Bondage: Classic Literature Gets 50 Shades of Grey Treatment

Did the romantic classics of Jane Austen and the Brontës really need sex scenes?

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Jane Austen’s Mr. Darcy has fueled a thousand middle-aged female fantasies. And apparently he’s not done yet. Now, publishers hoping to ride the Fifty Shades of Grey craze for so-called “mommy porn” are sexing up Pride and Prejudice, along with other great works of English literature.

Thanks to publisher Total-E-Bound, you don’t have to imagine what a make-out session with Mr. Darcy would be like — their new version of the novel spells it out for you, word by awful word: “The grass beneath their bodies combined with the delicious scent of Darcy. Hot, spicy and all man.”

This, compared with how Elizabeth and Darcy’s reconciliation played out in the original Austen: “[Darcy] continued the conversation till they reached the house. In the hall they parted.”

Pride and Prejudice isn’t the only novel to be bastardized in the publisher’s ‘Clandestine Classics’ collection, which is available electronically. Austen’s Northanger Abbey, Arthur Conan Doyle’s Sherlock Holmes stories (no more wondering about Holmes’ relationship with Watson!) and Jules Verne’s 200,000 Leagues Under the Sea also get the raunchy treatment. (Please tell us there a sex scene involving the giant squid.)

Nor have the Brontë sisters escaped an NC-17 rating. In Emily Brontë’s Wuthering Heights, Catherine Earnshaw has a soulful romance bondage sessions with brooding hero Heathcliff, while in Charlotte Brontë’s Jane Eyre, the heroine has “explosive sex with Mr. Rochester.” (In the original, she simply marries him.)

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You may be asking, Is this even allowed? Actually, yes. With the copyright on the original titles expired, these classics are now in the public domain — meaning publishers can more or less do what they like with them, including forcing the deceased authors to share authorship credit with Total-E-Bound’s ghostwriters.

“We recognize it’s a bold move that may have a polarizing effect on readers but we’re keeping the works as close to the original classics as possible,” Total-E-Bound founder Claire Siemaszkiewicz told the Daily Mail. “It’s not our intention to rewrite or distort them but to create a whole new experience, enhancing the novels by adding deeper relationships, character development, and the ‘missing’ scenes for readers to enjoy.”

Did those relationships need to get deeper? Well reader, judge for thyself. Here are side-by-side excerpts from the ‘new’Jane Eyre:

Original:

“‘Jane, be still a few moments: you are over-excited: I will be still too.’ Mr. Rochester sat quiet, looking at me gently and seriously. Some time passed before he spoke; he at last said — ‘Come to my side, Jane, and let us explain and understand one another.’”

New Version:

“‘Jane, be still a few moments, you are over-excited. I will be still too.’ My master captured my wrists and secured them behind my back, imprisoning me and preventing my movements… He exerted the force of his will as effortlessly as he schooled my person, relentlessly and with an inexorable force, he commanded me against his body… No matter how I controlled my mind, my very flesh was weak.”

MORE: Take a ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Vacation

11 comments
Nickisha Davidson
Nickisha Davidson

No, No, No!!! This is senseless destruction of beautiful classic literature HAS TO STOP! I always knew that '50 shades of Grey' was a work of the devil!! UGH

WriterlyReader
WriterlyReader

In the future, a pair of scholars bend over the two competing versions of /Jane Eyre/, wondering which is the original. "Look, here is where they differ," says one; "'My master captured my wrists and secured them behind my back, imprisoning me and preventing my movements. ... He exerted the force of his will as effortlessly as he schooled my person. ... "

They look at each other silently for a moment, and then roar with laughter.

Total E-Bound certainly is creating "a whole new experience."

ReaderV
ReaderV

Bastardizing Jane Austin's Classic "Pride and Prejudice" is only comparable to drawing a large yellow Smiley face over the Monna lisa by De Vinci.

KB_Corkless
KB_Corkless

God help Melville's soul if someone gives "Moby Dick" this treatment, sea-weary sailors, cramped quarters, loads of slippery blubber, harpooning - avast, no! But then again, I did get an uneasy feeling about Ishmael and Queequeg sharing a bed at the Spouter Inn: no wonder so many dirty limericks have "Nantucket" in them. 

Coco Hsu
Coco Hsu

Great, now we can study a distorted rendition of Charlotte Bronte, and still pass the exam.We'll never have to know what great literature looks like!

Alyssia Cooke
Alyssia Cooke

There are many romantic novels written today which don’t have lurid

descriptions of sex in them because it is completely unnecessary. What

is required is the emotional depth and passion in a novel; and the

classics already have it in abundance. All this shows is that our

cultural depth as a whole has now reached the level of a fifteen year

old desperately trying to get his hands on pornography because he can’t

imagine it himself. It’s tawdry and it’s pointless.Read more: http://writinghood.com/online-...

 

brn2shop
brn2shop

I guess this marks the death of creativity and originality in literature.... awesome!

Huw Roberts
Huw Roberts

 

Looking

for a new take on this check out www.clamidiablog.wordpress.com.

Hilarious parody of the erotic genre. She is Clamidia Staines - Agony

Aunt amp; Sexpert. Funniest damn thing you'll read all year. Her new

book has just been released on Kindle; 'Coming Clean with Clamidia

Staines" Check it out. (contains adult humour)

hwestad711
hwestad711

Disgusting. Disrespectful. 

“It’s not our intention to rewrite or distort them but to create a whole new experience, enhancing the novels by adding deeper relationships, character development, and the ‘missing’ scenes for readers to enjoy.”

'Not our intention to distort...' 'Deeper relationships.' 'Character development.' You must be joking. 

earlnewton
earlnewton

Cool, can't wait for the new version of the Bible!