WATCH: Jack Bauer Regrets Nothing, Except for that Girl He Didn’t Talk to That One Time

Kiefer Sutherland gets oddly personal in a new Axe commercial.

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Who is Susan Glenn? For Kiefer Sutherland, or at least, the character he plays in rumbling voiceover in a new commercial for Axe deodorant, she’s The One Who Got Away.

Yes, you read that right: an Axe commercial. The company is moving away from its leering ad campaigns in an attempt, NewsFeed presumes, to broaden its consumer base past teenage boys with odor issues.

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The spot uses a voice over of Sutherland (or maybe he’s channeling 24’s Jack Bauer) to tell an unfolding tale of “not a girl, but the girl”: Susan Glenn. Played by actress Jessica Cook, Susan Glenn does all the things to young Kiefer/Jack’s heart a high school girl can do to a high school boy — cause earthquakes, make other women turn into screeching harpies by comparison, float tantalizingly across the street in midair while fireworks go of behind her head, etc.

At the end of all this worshipfulness we see Sutherland standing at a sink wearing a white t-shirt and saying, “If I could do it again, I’d do it differently.”

No wonder Jack Bauer had anger issues.

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