Feeling a little insecure about your virility today? Men’s Health has got you covered! The magazine has come out with a list of the manliest eateries in America. Follow their advice, and your next meal will have you feeling manly, albeit a little closer to a heart attack. Yes, it is a bit ironic: on a list compiled by a magazine with the word “health” in its name, “manliness” goes hand in hand with a high calorie count. But clogging your arteries may be worth it: The menus at these places had us drooling.
The magazine started out by identifying nine manly restaurant categories: BBQ, Pizza, Steakhouse, Seafood Shack, Brew Pub, Sandwich Shop, Taco Stand, Burger Spot, and Adventurous Eating. (You may already notice the main themes here are meat and beer.) Then they asked readers to vote for their favorites. We’ve checked out the eateries that made the final list and highlighted some of the menu items that will stop your heart…by clogging your arteries. Ron Swanson would approve.
Manliest BBQ - Oklahoma Joe’s Bar-B-Que in Kansans City, Kansas
This joint sells “meat by the pound.” That’s right, you literally can order a pound of meat here. It’s available hot or cold and will serve three adults. And don’t expect the salads to be your cop-out way to feel manly without actually eating like a man. The “Pig Salad” involves copious amounts of pulled pork and BBQ sauce. And the “Pit Boss Salad” contains brisket, turkey, ham, AND cheese.
Manliest Pizza - Burt’s Place in Chicago, IL
Any proud Chicagoan knows that deep dish pizza is the manliest kind of pizza out there because the bowl-like crust can contain more toppings (and by toppings, we don’t mean spinach, we mean sausage) than any other kind of pizza. But what’s really manly about Burt’s is that if you can’t decide among mozzarella sticks, jalapeno poppers, onion rings, and garlic bread for your appetizer, you can get a sampling of them all for only $5.90.
Manliest Steakhouse - Cattleman’s Steakhouse in Fabens, Texas
Their signature, “The Cowboy,” is a two-pound steak. If you happen to be the girlfriend of a man who orders this very manly entree, you might venture to the section of the menu labeled “for the small appetite” — including an option called “The Lady’s Fillet.” I think it’s fair to say this place caters to dudes.
Manliest Seafood Shack - Mabel’s Lobster Claw Restaurant in Kennebunkport, Maine
If you request a “heavyweight” here you will be served with crustaceans that weigh over four pounds a piece.
Manliest Brew Pub - Snake River Brewing in Jackson Hole, Wyoming
What can I add to these braised short ribs? Why, blue cheese tater tots! Also, there’s beer.
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Manliest Sandwich Shop - Katz’s Delicatessen in New York, New York
The Three Meat Platter, according to the menu, feeds three tourists or one regular customer. It includes generous portions of pastrami, brisket, and corned beef.
Manliest Taco Stand - Hankook Taqueria in Atlanta, Georgia
Acting like a caveman is more of a guy thing. This restaurant doesn’t offer diners utensils, so the patrons are “disproportionately male,” says the chef. “I think guys like to be able to be barbaric and eat with their hands.”
Manliest Burger Spot - Butcher & The Burger in Chicago, Illinois
They serve burgers for breakfast, just in case you were really longing a cheeseburger with bacon at 9 a.m. You might swap out traditional beef for more creative meat like elk, bison, venison or ostrich, and pretend you shot the game yourself.
Manliest Adventurous Eating - Incanto in San Francisco, California
What’s manlier than a “Leg of Beast Dinner”? Not dangerous enough? Try the beef heart, the roast lamb neck, or the duck testicles. You have to be a real man to not squirm at duck testicles.