They’re a New York City scourge as common and iconic as rats on subway tracks or Gossip Girl cast members. But imagine what we would be freed of if hipsters evaporated. Sure, the market share of Pabst Blue Ribbon and Ray-Ban Wayfarers would plummet, but think of what we would make back in reduced levels of sarcasm and cheaper Brooklyn apartment rentals.
Of course, outlawing an entire caste of people is discriminatory and gosh-darn un-American. So instead, we propose Mayor Bloomberg ban the obsessions that make the New York species of hipster so uniquely annoying:
• Fixie bikes
• Porkpie hats
• Pants with rolled-up cuffs
• Hand-rolled cigarettes
• Black-framed eyeglasses — with harsher penalties for those with nonprescription lenses
• blunt-cut bangs and/or handlebar mustaches (some hipsters may sport both)
• Anything that requires use of the word “artisanal”
• Subscriptions to Nylon
• Pabst Blue Ribbon
There’s plenty more, but they’re pretty esoteric, we doubt you’ve heard of them anyway.
Next $18 Cocktails