Dear Secessionists: We’ll See Your Petition and Raise You

The next war between the states is apparently being fought online — although not all combatants are taking things seriously.

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Petitioners from 40 states have asked to secede from the union.

One of the many great things thing about America’s grand experiment in democracy is that people are free to object to it. In the nine days since Nov. 6, more than 500,000 signatures from residents of all 50 states have appeared on petitions demanding the right to secede from the union in light of President Obama’s reelection.

Most of the requests, hosted on the White House’s “We The People” online petition website, ask that the President “peacefully grant the state of ______ [Maine, Texas, Wisconsin, etc.] to withdraw from the United States of America and create its own NEW government.” Some even quote the Declaration of Independence to support their argument.

Another great thing about America, however, is that people are free to make fun of each other — particularly of those citizens who appear to have skipped the fourth grade class when their teachers began the chapter on the Civil War. A series of anti-secessionist counter-petitions have sprung up on We The People, some with thousands of signatures, expressing support for the Union or demanding punishment for the would-be secessionists.

(COVER: For Obama, Survival Is the New Winning)

One anti-secession petition, with more than 17,000 signatures, requests that the government deport anyone who petitioned to leave in the first place. A second, with more than 10,000 signatures, asks that the signers be summarily stripped of citizenship and exiled.

A cooler-headed plea for understanding and unity has garnered more than 2,300 signatures:

Times have been tough for all of us; some states are frustrated to the point of petitioning for secession, but now is not the time to be divided.Their actions can only harm our country… We the undersigned implore the Administration to do everything in its power to keep our nation united.

Mr. President, please sign an executive order such that each American citizen who signed a petition from any state to secede from the USA shall have their citizenship stripped and be peacefully deported.

And meanwhile, another 4,500 people have asked the president allow the state of Texas — where more than 100,000 people have signed a secession petition — to secede, as long as the city of Austin gets to stay part of America:

Austin Texas continues to suffer difficulties stemming from the lack of civil, religious, and political freedoms imposed upon the city by less liberally minded Texans. It is entirely feasible for Austin to operate as its own state, within the United States, in the event that Texas is successful in the current bid to secede.

Once the White House gets more than 25,000 signatures to a petition it has to take a serious look at it — although it’s not under any obligation to actually accede to petitioners’ demands. But the administration will send an e-mail to everyone who signed and submitted their e-mail address.

But plenty of petitioners would rather focus on the more important issues. More than 797 petitioners signed on to a proposal (since taken down) to recognize Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel:

WHEREAS Johnny Manziel, also known as “Johnny Football” has ushered in an age of collegiate football in America the likes of which we have never seen…


The Office of the President of the United States, and indeed the whole of the free world, endorses Johnny Manziel for the 2012 Heisman Trophy. Gig’em Aggies.