Reading While Eating for January 24: Animals With Swag We Wish We Had

In the animal kingdom, there are all kinds of swag: iPads, sweaters, private jets, having Olivia Wilde as your fiancée.

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An employee wearing a panda costume slides down from an ice sculpture during the Harbin International Ice and Snow World festival in Harbin, Heilongjiang province, January 11, 2013.

iRangutan: Apes with apps are playing musical instruments on iPads at the Smithsonian’s National Zoo. Ba-dum-cha! That’s not a punch line, that’s an orangutan doing a rimshot. (Yahoo! News)

Woolly Mammals: You wish you could rock a sweater like these little ponies. (BuzzFeed)

Secret Killers: Penguins are excellent hunters, according to these cameras we strapped to their heads. (Slate)

Baby Don’t Hurt Me, No More: It turns out crabs do have something we wish we had — feelings. Your favorite crustacean feels pain. (TIME)

What the Duck: Beloved cartoon family the Animaniacs were originally going to be ducks before they became hyperactive human-dog hybrids. (Mental Floss)

Animals… In the Sack: Jason Sudeikis tells you more about his love life with fiancée Olivia Wilde than you perhaps wanteded to know. Okay, let’s be honest, you totally wanted to know. (GQ)

Party Animals: Are we having fun yet? Not until next month, when Lizzy Caplan joins a Party Down reunion. (Entertainment Weekly)

A Photo Timeline of Private Jets: No animals here (unless you count the Beatles!), but plenty of swag. (Flavorwire)

It’s Not Even Your Birthday: A woman found a lonely, fuzzy caterpillar after a storm. So she threw it a birthday party. As one does when one finds a fuzzy caterpillar. (The Daily What)

HULK SMASH: According to science, cute pictures of animals make us angry. Maybe you should cancel your lunch plans with the co-worker who sends you cat videos. (The Independent)

Opposite of swag: Two ring-tailed lemurs attack a small child in North Miami Beach as she exited a car. (Huffington Post)