As a heavy coffee drinker, I often down two cups before 8 a.m. So waiting until 10 a.m. to consume what I’d like to refer to as “coffee for pansies,” otherwise referred to as Starbucks Refreshers, was hellish. Apparently, the bottled fizzy beverage is “natural energy from green coffee extract.” Green coffee? What?
10 a.m.: First gulp: tastes like a melted raspberry popsicle. This can’t be so bad.
10:20 a.m.: I downed the can too fast. Probably not my best idea. It’s a little sour, and my stomach hurts. Caffeine. Kick. In. Now. Please.
11 a.m.: Oh, ginseng is in it? I feel fancy.
11:15 a.m.: My bad, that’s panax ginseng root powder concentrate. Whatever that is…
12 p.m.: I actually feel a little energized. Fancy-sparkling-extracted-coffee, you may not be so bad after all.
2 p.m.: I take it back, the energy is quickly subsiding and the coffee-maker in the break-room is tormenting me.
4:15 p.m.: Dead, I feel totally dead.
4:30 p.m.: Ah, ha! I’ve figured out what this tastes like. It’s the sparkling grape juice you get in lieu of champagne when you were stuck at the kiddie table on New Year’s Eve. Nothing like coffee.
Lasting impression: The can reads “best served chilled over ice,” so perhaps it’s better served as a summer drink than a cup-o-joe substitute in mid-February.
Next Death Wish Coffee