Famous Last Words from Football Fans and Other Fanatics

From a bitter Cleveland Browns supporter to Waffle House's most loyal customer, the most surprising and hilarious requests from the grave

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Lou Groza of the Cleveland Browns.
AP

Lou Groza of the Cleveland Browns.

Many Cleveland Browns fans can’t help but make a few digs at their infamously unsuccessful football team. But diehard Browns fan Scott Entsminger of Mansfield, Ohio, took the playful shots one step further — he managed to do it from the grave.

Tucked in the middle of Entsminger’s obituary, published in The Columbus Dispatch, is one final jab: “He respectfully requests six Cleveland Browns pall bearers so the Browns can let him down one last time.”

The Browns may not be winners on the field, but the team’s response at least won over the hearts of Entsminger’s family. At the late fan’s memorial service today, the team will present his family with a No. 76 jersey in a head nod to Entsminger’s favorite player Lou Groza. Everyone at the service will be wearing Browns gear in tribute to the fan’s life-long dedication to the team. Each year, Entsminger would send the Browns an original song, in addition to some unsolicited advice on how to run the team.

(MORE: Man Writes His Own Obituary To Get A Few Things Off His Chest)

The Cleveland resident’s bio is just the latest wacky obituary to go viral. Here are five more hilarious final words and requests from the grave:

“His final wish [was] to be run over by a beer truck on the way to the liquor store to buy booze for a double date to include his wife, Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter to crash an ACLU cocktail party.”

Frederic Arthur “Fred” Clark of Midlothian, Virginia, who died June 18, 2006, also requested to be honored with large purchases of alcohol — but “nothing French” — at Virginia wineries and liquor stores, according to his partially censored obituary.

“The family asks that in honor of Harry that you write your Congressman and ask for the repeal of Daylight Saving Time.”

Harry Weathersby Stamps of Longbeach, Mississippi, who died March 9, 2013, is described as a “ladies’ man” and “natty dresser” in his obituary. And he was a “foodie” before it was cool to be one: “Harry was locally sourcing his food years before chefs in California starting using cilantro and arugula.” Perhaps more than death, Stamps feared his family would make his funeral golf-themed.

“I’m really going to miss myself.” 

Before his death on May 27, 2013, John “Jack” Holden of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, had the foresight to write his own obituary, which allowed him to highlight some of his proudest achievements. Along with his smattering of awards for serving as a marine fighter pilot in WWII, Holden claims to have received the “Distinguished Fleeing Cross” for his impressive ability to avoid “numerous women who were seeking child support under unproven circumstances.”

“I AM the guy who stole the safe from the Motor View Drive Inn back in June, 1971.” 

Salt Lake City, Utah, resident Val Patterson, who died July 10, 2012, had a few things to get off his chest in his obituary, which he also wrote himself. And turns out that PhD he said he had was a clerical error that landed the degree in his mailbox; Patterson didn’t even know what the letters stood for. At least, he writes to all of his past coworkers, “my designs always worked very well, and were well-engineered, and I always made you laugh at work.”

“Waffle House lost a loyal customer.” 

While Antonia “Toni” Larroux of Bay St. Louis, Mississippi, who died April 30, 2013, was known for frequenting the breakfast chain, there was some mystery in her life, too.  According to her obituary: “Due to multiple, anonymous Mother’s Day cards which arrived each May, the children suspect there were other siblings but that has never been verified.” However, her family is sure of one thing: Larroux didn’t pay off her late dues to the local library. The obituary requested that all donations in her honor be made out to the overdue book fund.

MORE: Study: Being Famous May Shorten Your Life

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