Study: Men Want Women to Chip In on Dates, but Are Afraid to Ask

Younger adults are more willing to share dating expenses

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When women debrief each other about their recent dates, one of the first questions that comes up is, “Did he pay?” Well, most men are still paying for dates, but wish women would pay sometimes too, according to a paper presented over the weekend at the American Sociological Association’s annual meeting in New York City.

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The ritual of men taking out women dates back to the time when men earned more because most jobs were not accessible to women. By treating women, men were also showing their ability to provide for them in the future. But now that the percentage of men and women in the paid labor force is about equal — and 28% of women are making more money than men in households where both partners work — the study’s authors wanted to know if that shift in gender roles has contributed to women’s expectations about who pays the tab.

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The study, which surveyed 17,607 unmarried, heterosexual men and women using a questionnaire posted on NBCNews.com, found:

  • 84% of men and 58% of women said that men paid for most dating expenses.
  • 39% of women hoped men would not ask them to contribute.
  • 44% of women were annoyed when men “expected” women to pay.
  • 44% of men said they would stop seeing women who never pay for dates.
  • 64% of men believed women should pick up from time to time, though 76% said they felt “guilty” saying so.
  •  4 in 10 men and women said that dating expenses were usually shared within the first month, and nearly three-fourths (74%) of men and 83% of women said they’re shared by the sixth-month mark.

The survey, which also included a narrative component, showed younger, college-educated men and women were more likely to offer to share the costs of dating. “We usually split the cost or pay every other time,” a 24-year-old female participant wrote. “It is a shared experience so it should be entirely shared, unless one partner is treating the other for a special occasion.”

The paper’s authors wrote women should take note of the 44% of men who said they would break it off with women who don’t offer to help pick up the tab, as it may help explain why their suitors have suddenly dropped off the radar. As one 25-year-old male participant put it: “I’m fine with paying for the first few dates. However, if the relationships are supposed to be 50/50 then each partner is expected to invest in the partnership financially.”

But while women may be paying more of their share, most men still want, and are expected to, pick up the bill in the beginning. According to the paper, “Many men’s willingness to absorb the price of early dates and more than half the costs later on keeps chivalry alive, gender roles distinct, and some privileges for both sexes intact.”

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982 comments
Micky
Micky

That's absolutely silly. This article uses statistics on women's and men's answers to a survey but they're not using statistical evidence for income. BEFORE you jump on my case for that, the article also says, "Hey women, men will stop dating you if you don't pay and that's why they've dropped off the dating radar!" which is bunk because if it were true that men will stop dating women who don't pay but will still want to go on dates with women... they wouldn't drop off the radar! If they have been dropping off (also... statistics?), that means that they just don't ask women out on dates, period. If they don't present the chance for equal payment on a date by not attending the date, then they're just running away from courtship altogether and looking for easy ass. Let's face it; women want men to take them out because we feel that we're being evaluated for how easy the man can get in our pants. If he doesn't even court us, we know that's all he wants. Seriously; how did a woman write this article?

brittanygeneva
brittanygeneva

These new age men are too new for me. The idea of a man paying for dates in the courtship phase of a relationship is not something that should die out with time. Some traditions work, and I believe that's one of them. It starts the courtship out on the right foot, setting the tone of the man being the leader in the relationship, regardless of who makes what. I'm a big believer in tradition and I think sometimes people fight it just because it's not favorable for them at the time. There are other traditions men would happily continue.

Many times the only reason men resist the tradition of paying for dates is because they've experienced women with bad, unappreciative attitudes. Don't become a jerk just because a couple of ladies didn't show proper appreciation. Be a gentlemen, and you'll attract a lady. Be a jerk and well...don't be surprised when the ladies who come around aren't of the highest quality.

Please save the negative comments because I probably won't be coming back to read them :)

SusanButler
SusanButler

Why does everyone assume all women make high wages?  I'm a medical assistant retraining as a legal secretary. If I dated a man who earned more and expected me to pick up the tab or go dutch at somewhere I can't afford that would be unfair.  Most men earn more than I do.  I've dated men who earned less, and our dates consisted of going for a walk or getting a takeout coffee.  If the man wants the woman to pay half and she doesn't earn a high wage, then he needs to be wiling to do things within her price range.  He'll have to give up steak and lower his standards.  You can't expect to bankrupt a date.  Btw - I am a traditional woman who does expect to be taken out on dates.  I am also very feminine, not a feminist and am just fine with doing more housework and cooking to make up for earning a lower salary.  The problem is a lot of men these days expect women to be high earners and still fill traditional roles once the relationship progresses past courtship.  I don't really want to have to spend a lot of time and money training for a higher wage job I won't like just to get a man. 

midoribunny
midoribunny

Okay. I'm one of these horrible entitled women. I like it when men pay. Boyfriends who didn't fret about picking up the tab have typically been ones for whom I wouldn't mind being their special alarm clock and making breakfast every day. 

On the other hand, guys who wanted to go 50-50 or to let me pick up the tab, also still expected me to be the "woman" and iron their socks. 

I'm fine with having inequality in the relationship, but at least pay for my salad. 

truthis
truthis

A man who would allow a woman to pay anything on a date is not really interested in dating her seriously. He is just using her. Maybe she will give him sex without a commitment, too. There are many American men who would never do such a thing. If a man really likes a woman, he will ask for the date, and he will have no problems with paying. He wants to show her that he is able to take care of her, and will take care of her. Don't ever go out with a man who would allow, or expect you to pay. Never. All men know they have to pay to play. Even teenage boys know this. Men who say otherwise

are little boys, who shouldn't be asking for dates in the first place. And another thing, women, never ask a man out on a date. If a man hasn't asked you out, he does not like you.

MenInRevolt
MenInRevolt

I have experienced it numerous times where these greedy , low, selfish , arrogant women dont want to chip in. I live in Trinidad by the way and its the same thing here, women all over the world have a false sense of entitlement that  should have been keep in the dark ages. Even after dating for 1, 2, 3 ,4, 10 months women still expect guys to pay and i have never once see one reach for her wallet. Its terrible !!!!! ITS UNFAIR. Women need to stop lying to the world about their want for equal right because they actually want to use and manipulate the male gender. And it all because they have vaginas and they know that we want it. In fact , i dont even get the endless dates......everyone can tell if they like someone or not after just a few encounters.

STxPrepper
STxPrepper

To the Guys: Just pass up these American women (most are fat and have bad attitudes and entitlement issues anyways). Just stop dating them, period. Instead, go for Latino, Asian, E European. Just once, fellas. Just once! And the best part is: they ACTUALLY LIKE AND RESPECT MEN (esp. American men)!! I assure you that when you taste what real femininity is (long lost on most American girls), you will NEVER go back to AW's. I did and I'm sorry it took so long to discover it. So guys do your research. Learn the facts (divorce rate is less than half, couples report much higher satisfaction, etc.) Just let these American girls fullfill their destiny as future cat hoarders who get together for their weekly "Where Are All the Good Men" b**ch sessions. Just don't be their next future ex-husband. Can't say you never been told ...

ldtorres
ldtorres

Awesome comments so far!!! I'm so surprised and thrilled at seeing so many guys finally speaking up against this BS double-standard. How times have changed!! The excuses that I've heard some women use to get out of paying are ridiculous. "Oh.. because it's what gentlemen do". I  don't want to be a "gentleman", I'm happy with just being courteous to everyone, not just women. "Because men are paid more for the same work". The wage gap has already been debunked by numerous studies. And my favorite one: "Because we spend more on clothes and accessories to look pretty for you on the date". Really... it's all for me? So after the date is over, do I get to keep all these clothes and accessories. Hell, maybe I could sell them and make some of my money back. The truth is that aside from some basic grooming (like brushing your teeth, bathing, and combing your hair), I don't give a rat's ass what you're wearing. Sorry girls but judging by the recent polls and the wonderful comments, your gravy train is finally being derailed. You earn more so you get to pay more, like the rest of us. Privileges come with obligations....ain't that a b*tch.

StefSpinelli
StefSpinelli

As a female, I can honestly say I always at the very least offer to help pay the tab on a date. While the guys I've dated pretty much respond the same and say "No, I've got this." I think it 's at least appropriate for the woman to put the offer to chip in, He wants to pay for the meal- she could leave the tip,  I recently asked a guy out and I'm paying for the tickets, he wants to pay for the food at the event.. I know we'll have a great time and I also know he won't think I'm using him for whats in his wallet, everyone's happy. 

Lalala
Lalala

Nothing wrong with going Dutch on dates. 

atavales
atavales

If men want women to pitch in but "are afraid of asking" then they need to work on on their self-assurance and worthiness. There is nothing wrong with sharing a bill or taking turns. Double standards always lead to confusion. If women want to be treated equally in the work force and given the same opportunities than men, then apply the same rule to the "dating scene". Women who expect men to pay while dating are taking the risk of being labeled, or treated, like any "escort girl". Dating someone should not be up to who paid, is paying, or will pay; dating is about getting to know someone and find out if there is a enough compatibility to establish something more.

MokiMonono
MokiMonono

The plant whose name is women pay for dates has not begun to germinate in Africa.

shirleymayatan
shirleymayatan

Take turns to pay or go dutch. Simple. If two people have to "worry and fight" over money issues like these even before getting into a real relationship, there is very little hope of going much further or getting better from there on. Or, the old golden rule can still apply - can't afford to date, then don't date. LOL  

CaliforniaLA
CaliforniaLA

Since women think they're too good & too important to pay for dates, what happens when two lesbians date?

Do they go find a man to donate cash, in the same way lesbians who want a child find a man to donate sperm?

Questions, questions...

Citation5
Citation5

@brittanygeneva The bottom line. Two people like us should never be dating.  its not something to take personal because in no way or form is anyone imposing their values unto you. They simply clarifying it.  

Citation5
Citation5

@brittanygeneva Likewise though..its a two way street. If you dont meet our standards, youre simply going to be left behind. In reality, this is really a matter of two people with different values. I certainly dont believe because i expect a woman to pay for her share of the bill that makes anyone any less of a men or radical. Youre simply two different people and need to find someone who matches your introspect. 



Intact_Male
Intact_Male

@midoribunny 

Grow up and quit whining. I do not think there are many men left who expect you to iron their socks. Give me a break. If you bitch about equal opportunity or equal pay then quit expecting men to pick up your share of the tab. If you want to be traditional then stay home, make babies, and cook and clean. If you want to be equal partners with men then WOMAN UP. Men never whined about paying because it came with the territory. You are a horrible entitled woman with no integrity.

Datalley
Datalley

@truthis  You are obviously a traditionalist. Nothing wrong with that. You are right to some extinct about paying to play. Dating and sex definitely is not free.  However, the ones you are referring to are the typical woman. I don't want to end up with the TYPICAL woman. My relationships have been successful when it comes to the sharing and caring part. I would not end up with a woman who's goal is to see how much money you can spend on her. A relationship is about sharing and supporting each other in ALL ways. 


By the way, I have women ask me out on dates and still expect for me to pay! Probably due to my career. Go Figure!

Intact_Male
Intact_Male

@truthis 

Well, Truthis,  I say a women who wants to be equal with men except when it comes to spending money is just using the guy. Some women want a man to be modern when it comes to work and abortion and women's rights. Then, when it comes to getting a free meal or drink they want a man to be traditional. This is so manipulative. Some guys won't say anything even though they kind of resent it. Women did not want sex roles anymore because they felt these roles were too restrictive. However, women like yourself still restrict men to their traditional sex roles when it is convenient for you. Being equal partners with men means just that. It means that our expectations of each other have to change. Men can no longer expect women to clean and cook , etc. It means that you can't expect men to pick up your share of the check. Besides, women appreciate more when a free dinner is unexpected. Make up your mind ladies. Do you want to be EQUAL partners or not?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

Datalley
Datalley

@MenInRevolt  Can't say I have not had women pay here and there. However, it is a shame that we are in this century and there seems to be such a big entitlement issue. I would not continue to date a woman with such an attitude. I have a 4 date rule. If she never ever ask to pay for the tip or contribute, that's good enough for me. 

deedmeyer
deedmeyer

@MenInRevolt 

Do you realize that you appear to be pathetic? Men with functioning penises and above poverty level salaries want to be the providers. It is a natural instinct. Sorry you have no decent skills that will earn you a decent salary. But don't hate women because of it. If you ever do get laid, I bet the woman needs a Costco size bottle of lube to get through it.

MarkCVance
MarkCVance

@STxPrepper , I whole heartedly agree. I don't want to, but it's the truth. Latin and Asian women treat a man like a man, not in a slave manor as many femies might interpret it, but they're brought up differently is all. I love learning about foreign cultures and what I have found is that America has no sense of culture and value, only debautury. 

STxPrepper
STxPrepper

To clarify: don't confuse femininity with Feminism, it's arch-rival. They are polar opposites. Get educated!!

deedmeyer
deedmeyer

@ldtorres Why do all of the "males" complaining here look like they work at El Toro Taco? 

Intact_Male
Intact_Male

@StefSpinelli 

I disagree honey. I mean I agree with most of what you say but I do not believe in this "offering" crap. You have a RESPONSIBILITY to pick up your end. This responsibility comes with the title of "Equal Partner." An equal partner always expects to pay their share. If the other person offers to pick up the tab then that is fine. You can offer to pick up the tab too. However, if no one offers than always assume you are taking care of yourself. Women who offer know that 99 percent of the time men are not going to say, "no that's ok" because it is awkward. You never really know if he wants too. Get out your money and assume you are an equal partner. Then if he says, "No ,I got it." You will know he means it. If he doesn't stop you then do not be disappointed because he has just given you a compliment. He has just promoted you to equal partner. By the way, courtship is where women love to play the Traditional Female Card. I mean you do not have to be a genius to figure out why?

Datalley
Datalley

@Lalala  True. I have had women offer on the first date. VERY, VERY impressive. That is a woman that I wish to be with. Truly independent, kind, Unselfish and caring. Nothing I would not do for a woman like that. 

SunDiego
SunDiego

That's a very reasonable and rational comment.  However, many woman say they will not pay because of their "values" or other expectations.  Many women just want to we taken out and skip the contributory part of the experience.  

Men don't need to work on their self-assurance, this subject is out there and women know it.  Women can work on their fairness and assertiveness and reach for the check.  Or they can ask men out instead of waiting them out.  They can buy tickets to events, plan a picnic, or something to reciprocate.  What men are doing is just not dating anymore and when they do come across a taker, they stop dating her.  She goes on the call him cheap.  I had this experience with women and it often leads to defensiveness, arguments and eventually going our separate way.  Now that women are earning good incomes, they need to break out of the old rules and become equal partners in dating as well. 

Datalley
Datalley

@shirleymayatan  That is very true! You obviously are not agreeing on the simple basics. Probably should move on. I don't date as much. Not that I can't afford to date but it can be a waste of time and money with some individuals. There are those that only wish to date for a free meal. Sad but true. 

SunDiego
SunDiego

@shirleymayatan "Take turns to pay or go dutch. Simple."  Did you read the story Shirley?  No, it's not simple.  It says in big letters "Men Want Women to Chip In on Dates, but Are Afraid to Ask."

I can relate.  I am afraid to ask.  I have asked and I have been told that I am cheap, that I earn more and that gentlemen pay for dates.  When a woman asked if she could help pay and I replied "yes," she was shocked and looked visibly upset.  This is not about "first dates," I have no problem paying for those.  This is about being in a dating pattern where the woman doesn't offer to pay and doesn't reciprocate.  These stories are becoming more common because men are becoming more frustrated that women who are in the workforce and earning money, keep their purses locked when it comes to dating.

Simple?  It would be if women had a propensity to communicate their willingness to help share the cost of dating.  But most don't.  They hide behind clichés like "whoever invites, pays..."  How often do women invite men on dates?  Or they say arrogantly, "I will never pay for a date."  Or they blame the costs of their clothing and makeup.  (Little secret, men don't care about your purses and shoes.  And we don't get to east them on dinner dates.  They are a capital investment and a date is an expense).

It would be "simple" is women would "women up" and accept the fact that times have changed, they earn money too, and if dating is a ritual that might lead to a lifelong partnership, they should demonstrate they know how to be a partner.  

CaliforniaLA
CaliforniaLA

@shirleymayatan The only person who will be putting up a fight is women. Men have no issue with paying for a dinner or lunch for women, as it's expected. But ask a woman to pay once in a while, and there will be a fight.

Women are the more selfish gender.

Datalley
Datalley

@Intact_Male @midoribunny  I agree to some extent. You can't have it both ways. By the way, anyone who says due to my attitude I don't get dates that is not true. I usually have to turn some down. Most women want the man to pay and that can get expensive. I would only be in a relationship with a woman who believed in 50/50. Overall it is not about the money but about a person who is fair. I am a professional and I tend to date women on the same level. Therefore, I don't feel it is a problem that we take each other out. My last girlfriend took me out as much as I did her. I just think it is being considerate. Afterall, it is not the 50's where the woman stayed at home and cleaned the house and cooked dinner. These are not my expectations. When a woman does them I appreciate this. Any one that thinks a man HAS to pay is kind of not appreciative in my book. As someone states earlier, different strokes for different folks. Personally, I shun women who have that attitude. It kind of shows where they are coming from. 

deedmeyer
deedmeyer

@Intact_Male @midoribunny

"Intact_Male" (thanks for the clarification being that it is difficult to tell)

With your attitude, I seriously doubt you are ever on any dates to even have to worry about this scenario. Unless your dates are with other males.

Datalley
Datalley

@deedmeyer @MenInRevolt  Provider? I make well above poverty level.  I guess she has to do what the man says too. I want a partner not a Child. 


MenInRevolt...I feel your pain but you do sound a LITTLE tainted and upset.  Just saying. 

BeckyDale
BeckyDale

@MarkCVance@STxPrepper by that you mean docile, subserviant and willing to lick your feet right? these women are fools to blindly worship you  when you haven't earned it.

deedmeyer
deedmeyer

@Intact_Male @StefSpinelli 

Dude, it is obvious that you been rejected so many times by females that you clearly hate women. If you will allow yourself to realize that you probably love men instead.....maybe you won't be so angry.

deedmeyer
deedmeyer

@CaliforniaLA @shirleymayatan 

It has nothing to do with being selfish. It has to do with being able to have sex with you. It is a turn off for most women to be with a man who can not afford to pay for dates. They start looking like losers. Then, they become repulsed by you. No woman wants to date a loser. It is biology.

Citation5
Citation5

@deedmeyer @Intact_Male @midoribunny


So what? The question is would he really want to be dating any of those women in the first place. To me you come off as a fool willing to agree to  anything a woman demands of you. Have some balls and self respect deedmeyer. Geez, what a puss  SEe