Erotic Edward Snowden Fan Fiction Exists

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Wikileaks / AP

Image of Edward Snowden made from video released by WikiLeaks on Friday, Oct. 11, 2013.

Whether you call him a hero or a traitor, NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden has another title to add to his hypothetical Twitter bio: He’s the star of some very NSFW, erotic fan fiction.

It was only a matter of time.

“Real person fiction” (RPF) is a common internet phenomenon, the subjects of which range from the expected (Selena Gomez) to the disturbing (Boston bomber Dzhokar Tsarnaev).

Writer Andrew Shaffer, author of Fifty Shames of Earl Grey: A Parody, assures readers that the chapter-by-chapter installations about technical contractor Eddie Snowjob is “satire,” but with phrases like “burgeoning manhood” the work certainly has elements of typical erotica.

Here’s an NSFW excerpt that appears in chapter one after Snowjob is caught talking dirty to his server, which leads to actual coitus with a coworker:

“You think I was…masturbating? To Americans’ private information? That violates just about every ethical guideline imaginable.” He paused. “Of course that’s what I was doing.”

Now it was Glinda’s turn to smile. “I knew you were into some freaky shit, Snowjob. Behind those cute little glasses and hazel eyes, I knew there was a dark side to you.”

“Yep, you’ve found me out,” he said.

Oof.

However, this isn’t the first time the words Snowden and fan fiction have appeared in the same sentence. Earlier this year, Katie J.M. Baker at Jezebel noted that the NSA leaker’s “romantic life reads like escapist fan fiction,” too.

And it’s true. The media pored over any and all information regarding Snowden’s ex-girlfriend Lindsay Mills, who moved to Hawaii for love. A passage from Mills’ blog, described as “Adventures of a world-traveling, pole-dancing super hero,” read:

“I felt you once. Your fingers musing down my spine. We sparked life in one another. And all at once you disappeared as quickly as you came.”

And of course there’s the other type of fan fiction associated with the secretive Snowden’s life. The Atlantic’s “Pundits guide to Edward Snowden fan fiction” didn’t include a breakdown of Shaffer-like writers’ online works, but rather news stories that appeared in legitimate publications.

“Snowden has only spoken to literally three reporters and before that worked in classified organizations his entire career…” Atlantic’s Elspeth Reeve wrote. “So writers need to extrapolate between the known data points, and many have found it irresistible to imagine things about Snowden’s personality as facts rather than supposition.”

Now if only Snowden’s recent trip to the grocery store can make it into one of Shaffer’s installments.

2 comments
YvonneSinclair
YvonneSinclair

Aren't you people tired of this juvenile smut? Does this evolve humanity? If you want to bring people up then at least use your head instead of the lowest parts of your potential, and say something clever.  This brand of humor belongs in the bathroom of low life individuals and should stay there.  I don't want to see it on my internet before breakfast.  Think about what it means to sacrifice your life for others instead of trying to bring heros down to your level.  

larissa_j
larissa_j

Time: RULE #34.  That's pretty much all you needed to say.