Thursday is the 80th birthday of the repeal of prohibition in 1933, a day that should be heartily celebrated across the country. To give martini aficionado Franklin D. Roosevelt and the 21st amendment a proper “thanks,” we decided to make a list of 80 reasons why drinking alcohol is the greatest.
Let’s see if you can make it all the way through without grabbing a drink. And if you don’t, stay safe out there!
1. Because you had a good day.
2. Because you had a bad day.
3. Because, let’s be honest, your day was kind of “meh” and could use something to spice it up.
5. Many doctors recommend a glass of red wine a night to lower the risk of heart disease. And they went to medical school.
6. Although the Mayo Clinic says, “it’s possible that red wine isn’t any better than beer, white wine or liquor for heart health,” which we’re taking to mean all of the above is a healthy choice in moderation.
7. But hey, if you aren’t one for moderation, at least take solace in the fact that every glass of wine you take makes you one step closer to becoming Olivia Pope. (This is an aspirational goal for dudes, too.)
8. It’s called a social lubricant for a reason. Drinking makes you friends.
9. Drinking games!
10. Because alcohol has been there for you during the tough times.
11. There’s nothing quite as warm and cozy as bonding with your family over a cup of eggnog come Christmastime.
12. Or Manischewitz during Passover.
13. Come on, the Haggadah asks you to fill your cups FOUR TIMES.
14. Drinking specialties from your country of origin connects you with your roots. Celebrate that high, Eastern European tolerance!
15. Speaking of Eastern Europeans, Frederick the Great, King of Prussia, thought that beer was so great that he issued a manifesto in 1777 declaring its superiority over coffee, which he briefly banned to boost booze sales.
16. Because somewhere in the world, someone did something awesome right now and you should celebrate.
17. Because drinking can help resolve political and cultural disputes. Exhibit A: Obama’s beer summit.
18. For experiential learners, consuming an aged drink is like tasting history.
19. Were brunches even fun before they were boozy?
20. Because there are more than 20 million bubbles in a bottle of champagne. Gotta catch ‘em all!
21. Whiskey ginger.
22. Don’t you want to reward your bartender’s Tom Cruise-esque bottle juggling skills by drinking his product?
23. Because facing the dating scene sober sounds horrible.
24. Because your OKCupid date definitely doesn’t look like the picture.
25. On a totally unrelated note, BMC Medicine says that a glass of wine a day could reduce depression.
26. Because without wine, your cheese gets lonely.
27. It’s on the company tab!
28. Drinking helps you forget that you’re traveling 30,000 feet above the ground at 500 mph.
29. Because the kids are fighting over The Wiggles versus Teletubbies and Mommy needs her “juice.”
30. A well-timed drink helps you chill out. Take the trusty advice of beer brewer (and President) Thomas Jefferson: “Beer, if drunk in moderation, softens the temper, cheers the spirit and promotes happiness.”
31. Actually, all of our forefathers want you to drink. George Washington opened the nation’s largest whiskey distillery in 1797.
32. John Hancock was an alcohol dealer.
33. Lincoln was a licensed bartender and owned his own tavern.
34. Wanna know who supposedly didn’t touch alcohol? Hitler. Just saying.
35. Because your football team is losing.
36. Because your football team is winning.
37. Because of feminism. The earliest brewers were women.
38. In the U.S. alone, 1.78 million people are employed directly or indirectly because of the brewing industry, and you like jobs right?
39. Because who needs Ikea for dorm décor with all those empty handles lying around?
40. Halfway there… celebration drink!
41. Beer can be safer than water. In areas with poor sanitation, various travel guides say it’s safer to drink a brew than risk microbe-filled water.
42. In fact, the lore goes that the pilgrims chose to stop at Plymouth Rock because they were running out of provisions. Namely: beer, which was safer to drink than water on the ship.
43. Mulled wine and warm cider make sub-freezing weather kind of bearable.
44. And nothing says summer like a fruity drink by the pool.
45. Whiskey sour.
46. Because errebody in the club getting tipsy and you want to go to the club, don’t you?
47. You and your friends look so much prettier at said club.
48. As does that person at the bar you’ve been eyeing.
49. How do you meet your soul mate even, if not in a bar?
50. Because your mother-in-law is in town.
51. Studies say moderate alcohol consumption might reduce dementia. (But don’t overdo it. There’s also alcohol dementia, caused by excessive drinking.)
52. Because your ex posted engagement pictures on Facebook.
53. Because you didn’t get a plus one to this wedding.
54. Because if you add an orange slice to your drink you must be getting your daily recommended value of Vitamin C, right?
55. Because you really don’t have that much in common with your friends from high school anymore.
56. To make you forget how small and insignificant you are in this game we call life.
57. Because that sext isn’t going to send itself.
59. Sorry, brownout.
60. Because it cures hangovers.
61. Because grandma said something offensive again.
62. What better way is there to bond with new roommates?
63. Because you’re 21.
64. Because alcohol gets you drunk.
65. Because you’re in college and what mom and dad don’t know…
66. Some European high schools serve wine in their cafeterias, so it can’t be that bad, non?
67. Whiskey and coke.
68. Have you ever watched the season finale of The Bachelor sober?
69. For that matter, have you ever watched a presidential debate sober?
70. Beer also has xanthohumol, an antioxidant that helps prevent cancer.
71. Because it’s a Monday.
72. Because it’s a Tuesday.
73. Because it’s HUMPDAY!
74. Or any day of the week, really.
75. Because it’s fun to shout “woo” after a shooter.
76. Alcohol is a crucial component to every book club or fantasy league.
77. Did we mention whiskey?
78. Because you just read an 80-point listicle about why drinking alcohol is great.
79. Because your editor assigned you the task of writing an 80-point listicle about why drinking alcohol is great.
80. Because if said editor is reading said listicle, you might be fired. Bottoms up!