Never Forget: Benjamin Franklin Was Into MILFs

"In all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones." - Benjamin Franklin

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American Flags for Independence Day

Here’s something you probably didn’t learn in your American History class: Turns out one of our Founding Fathers was kind of into our Founding Mothers.

When Benjamin Franklin wasn’t pushing up his bifocals to go fly a kite in a rain storm, he was doling out love advice.  In 1745, our nation’s beloved first Postmaster General wrote a letter to a younger friend advising the man “on the choice of a mistress.” In the eye-opening letter —which was not mailed but apparently simply shared for laughs in Ye Olde Locker Room — Franklin suggests the young man marry an older woman because they are both “experienced” and “grateful.”

Franklin went on to defend his thesis statement with cold hard facts, undoubtedly collected through years of field research. Among the many reasons Franklin enumerated as to why the more mature woman is preferable to the more recent additions to the human race: They are more experienced.

While MILFs may be slightly less attractive than some younger models, Franklin believed that they justified their continued existence by being kinder: “There is hardly such a thing to be found as an old Woman who is not a good Woman,” he wrote. Apparently there is such a thing as an old man who is not a good man, though. To that point, Franklin also noted that with an older woman, there was none of that pesky guilt for “debauching a Virgin.”

Further down the list, another reason to endure bedding an older women: “Because there is no hazard of Children.” God forbid you have an illegitimate child and they become governor of New Jersey.

Franklin, unlike Joan Jett, worried about his reputation (it is all about the Benjamins, after all!) and he knew that older women wouldn’t gossip around the butter churn about their conquests: “the Commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your Reputation.” But the real reason to seek out older women, in Franklin’s own words: “They are so grateful!!”

In the end, though, Franklin conceded that it was best to follow your heart, because according to our beloved Founding Father, all women, young or old, look the same, if you cover “all above with a Basket and [regard] only what is below the Girdle.”

In short, your teachers were right: You can learn a lot from history.

(h/t The Date Report)

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22 comments
LenSimpson
LenSimpson

being a smooth talker opens lots of doors

HateToSayItbut
HateToSayItbut

Well any student of hisotry knows that Ben Franklin was a man-tramp. His years as ambassador to France especially were notoriously filled with women pining over his old wobbly booty. Different times I guess but in his day he was a rock star.

mikebarns
mikebarns

That is an offensive word or acronyms to use for an article under TIME. lmao!!!

HugoBaldinho
HugoBaldinho

Oh these puritans! Way to go ol'Ben, but maybe you should have written another letter to bring some guiding light to certain brains. Nice article btw, had a few laughs.

C_Martel
C_Martel

I had to look up MILF.  Time should have as well.  Unless this is the standard to which it has fallen.

BobFromDistrict9
BobFromDistrict9

Why didn't you use the word "cougar" in stead of an acronym for a profanity? Or are you so ignorant you don't know what a MILF is? 


OTOH, a young woman can be a MILF. So your writer is quite truly incompetent.

anti-government
anti-government

This is true, Mr. Franklin did recommend older women, but it's a pretty trivial thing to waste space publishing.

People should make up their own minds who they like and who they don't like and not wait for someone famous to tell them what to think,.

NYCMickey
NYCMickey

Here's a magazine in its final death throes, gasping for relevance.

pkinstle
pkinstle

" MILF?"  Seriously?  Melissa Locker, what kind of trash-freelance writer are you to post such a slang headline like that on an article?  Is this the kind of viewership TIME magazine is now seeking, the Beavis and Butthead crowd?  Was that slang term necessary to use to tell the story?  Is it part of everyday vernacular that it must be used now to provoke shock?  How do you explain it to kids?  "Dad, what's a MILF?"  "Oh, that means a Mother I'd Like to F*ck, which celebrates infidelity...a common term back in Franklin's days."  Hey, I'm no puritan, but grow up.  And to the young editors of TIME to allow such headlines...freedom of speech (I know)...shame for sinking to base sophomoric mentalities.

DavidPittelli
DavidPittelli

@C_Martel 


Well, if you want to get literal about acronyms, then snafu is also forbidden.

BrentBach
BrentBach

@pkinstle Time has no problem calling a large group of patriotic american's Tea Baggers.

PatriotVet76
PatriotVet76

@pkinstle  


Ma'am, your children know and may use words that are far worse than f***.


This article says NOTHING about infidelity.  


You chose to interpret the word "mistress" as a derogatory, dirty, nasty term, when it is NOT always used in that way.


For YOUR education:


Mistress:  a woman who has power, authority, or ownership: as

a :  the female head of a household

b :  a woman who employs or supervises servants

c :  a woman who is in charge of a school or other establishment


I enjoyed the article, and I hope Melissa submits more, just like it!

JasonNewstedt
JasonNewstedt

So you're criticizing them for knowing a term that you not only know yourself, but managed to comment on with more vulgar detail of the phrase to express your disapproval - on the same page you think children could potentially read, no less.

Well done.

mechunit02
mechunit02

@MichelleKirkwood @mikebarns  You can either go cry about it or suck it up and stop being so sensitive! Maybe learning how to laugh at yourself would give you the mental fortitude to appreciate the hilarity of mankind's interconnected-ness through a hilarious (AND TRUE) story of one of our founding fathers.

and they are called DILF's you hypersensitive ninny.

MichelleKirkwood
MichelleKirkwood

BrentBach


Because that's what they call themselves, and they're not any more patriotic than anybody else in the country, just because they're turned the GOP into their own bully pulpit,become a bunch of extreme right-wing crazies, and began screaming about "taking their country back" just because a black man became president.

LesLegato
LesLegato

I know what an anus typing comments is like from reading yours.

BobFromDistrict9
BobFromDistrict9

@JasonNewstedt 

I was about to post the same thing he did. It's not the fact that he knows the term, but that Time printed it as their headline. 

mechunit02
mechunit02

@MichelleKirkwood  Now I get it... you're a feminazi! Intellectually dishonest to boot!
That is not what they "call themselves." So you're either a LIV (low information voter), a liar, or a democrap (see we can make funny words too).

How are they extreme right-wing crazies? Because they don't believe the same things as you? Individual freedoms and a less powerful central government. THE GALL OF THESE PEOPLE! HOW DARE THEY.


"Just because a black man became president" See the final sentence is where you truly become unmasked.

NormalLogic: I don't like him because of his terrible policies of redistribution, the politicization of the IRS, his repeated lies regarding Obamacare, his failure to enforce the Laws of the Land, and his weakness in foreign policy (getting both the Muslim Brotherhood and the Egyptian military to hate you takes a special kind of suck).

None of the above is race based in the slightest. Just suck-based.

LIBLOGIC: He is black man running for president, let's vote for him because it is progressive! But if you don't agree with his politics it is actually because he is black and you are racist.

The liblogic above is both that of the LIV and (surprise) ACTUALLY RACIST.