14 Things We Thought Duck Dynasty Was

A Chinese restaurant?

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Zach Dilgard / AP

If you’re anything like us, you had no idea what Duck Dynasty was until it created a giant maelstrom of controversy this week. In fact, if you’re anything like us then you still don’t know what Duck Dynasty is other than a thing that exists that people all of a sudden have a lot of feelings about.

So for those of you who’d rather stay in the dark, here’s a list of 14 things we wish Duck Dynasty actually was:

• A theme park where you only eat Peking duck

• The secret clan that briefly ruled China between the Yuan Dynasty and Ming Dynasty

• A store that only sells Mallard figurines and plaid pillows for hunting enthusiasts

• An ancient Egyptian family who worshipped small birds instead of cats but kept a low profile

• The novelization of the Mighty Ducks trilogy

• A factory that makes rubber ducks but lost the contract to make that giant rubber duck in Hong Kong

• An Alaska-themed NYC club that popularized the cocktail known as the Duck Fart

• The sophomore album of a Wiggles knock-off band called the Shimmies

• A reality show featuring Duckie from Pretty in Pink in which he helps fashion-challenged young men jazz up their wardrobes, usually just by adding a fun hat

• The prequel to Duck Tales

• The side project Elvis Costello attempted to start with Brian Eno in the mid-1980s

• A documentary about a ragtag team of high school misfits who form a dodgeball team and in the process ultimately learn about life, love and friendship (not affiliated with the popular Vince Vaughn movie)

• A name Drake tried to get his fan base to adopt, which shockingly never caught on

• A Chinese restaurant

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