If you’re anything like us, you had no idea what Duck Dynasty was until it created a giant maelstrom of controversy this week. In fact, if you’re anything like us then you still don’t know what Duck Dynasty is other than a thing that exists that people all of a sudden have a lot of feelings about.
So for those of you who’d rather stay in the dark, here’s a list of 14 things we wish Duck Dynasty actually was:
• A theme park where you only eat Peking duck
• The secret clan that briefly ruled China between the Yuan Dynasty and Ming Dynasty
• A store that only sells Mallard figurines and plaid pillows for hunting enthusiasts
• An ancient Egyptian family who worshipped small birds instead of cats but kept a low profile
• The novelization of the Mighty Ducks trilogy
• A factory that makes rubber ducks but lost the contract to make that giant rubber duck in Hong Kong
• An Alaska-themed NYC club that popularized the cocktail known as the Duck Fart
• The sophomore album of a Wiggles knock-off band called the Shimmies
• A reality show featuring Duckie from Pretty in Pink in which he helps fashion-challenged young men jazz up their wardrobes, usually just by adding a fun hat
• The prequel to Duck Tales
• The side project Elvis Costello attempted to start with Brian Eno in the mid-1980s
• A documentary about a ragtag team of high school misfits who form a dodgeball team and in the process ultimately learn about life, love and friendship (not affiliated with the popular Vince Vaughn movie)
• A name Drake tried to get his fan base to adopt, which shockingly never caught on
• A Chinese restaurant