Never Make It to the Second Date Again With This Adult Bib

Nothing says "classy" like gurgling food onto a special cloth you bought online.

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DressTiez website

Not 100% sure this isn't a joke.

Wearing a bib in public past the age of three will never be socially acceptable, but don’t tell that to DressTiez.

The online retailer with a dubious understanding of reality is selling three different styles of adult bibs. According to DressTiez, they are “beautiful, fashionable, and whimsical.” Prices start at $29.99, and you have to shell out extra for the “Designer” style or the “Special” series. With each purchase, the company includes a pouch to stuff the food-smeared cloth back into once a meal is finished.

You can buy an adult bib that says “Happy Birthday!” on it, presumably to wear while attending birthday parties. There’s also a “Happy Anniversary!” bib but I refuse to believe anyone has purchased it and remained in a marriage.

 

Appearing in public with a large cloth you went through the trouble of ordering online specifically to protect your clothes from rogue mustard suggests that your spilling is chronic rather than sporadic. It suggests that you’re a full-on slob instead of a normal person who just messed up. And you know the saying: “spill on yourself once, shame on you. Buy yourself an adult bib, shame on you, me, DressTiez, and all of humanity.”

Here’s the entire DressTiez pitch, in case you’re still intrigued by the idea of spending your money on a humiliating bib instead of chewing your food with slightly more caution: