Having Fun with the Wu-Tang Clan Name Generator

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Wu-Tang Clan

David Atlas /Retna Ltd./Corbis

With names like Ol’ Dirty Bastard, Ghostface Killah, Inspectah Deck and Method Man, who doesn’t want to be a member (in name only) of the Wu-Tang Clan? Sign. Me. Up.

I started with myself. Using the Wu-Tang Clan name generator, I typed in my name, crossed my fingers and hoped for something as cool as Ghostface Killah (I mean, honestly, Ghostface Killah — could there BE anything more awesome?!) “Kayla Webley from this day forward you will be known as Vizual Ambassador.” Ah, Ms. Ambassador. Has a nice ring to it. Thanks, Wu.

With my new Ambassador title, I felt entitled to bestow Wu-tastic names on others. I decided to Wu-ify a random list of celebrities that I deemed to have boring and/or awful names.

First up were those celebrities in need an image makeover: Britney Spears, you are now Respected Demon. Kind of has a ring to it, huh? Lindsay Lohan, you will now be known as Profound Genius. (Even the Wu generator appreciates irony.) Jay Leno, you will hereby be known as Conan O’Brien. Just kidding…I mean, Lucky Criminal. And, how could I forget you, Myspace. You are now rebranded as X-cessive Beggar.

I also felt bad for celebrity children with parents that use their fame to bestow ridiculous names. While pulling $100 out of your romper in preschool might save you from ridicule, I think a Wu name might be a better defense. Apple, toddle over to parents Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin and tell them that you will forever now be known as Drunken Commander. Perhaps you can grow into that one. David Duchovny and Tea Leoni had a kid and named him Kyd. Get it? Kyd, here’s a real name. You are now Zexy Desperado. Bluebell Madonna, your mom is Ginger Spice. You never had a chance at a good name, but the Wu deems you Annoyin’ Lover. Sorry, that doesn’t help you out much does it?

And, for the non-famous folks out there: All John Smiths of the world, you are hereby named Drunken Watcher. Any Sarah Browns out there? You will all now be known as the infinitely cooler Amateur Knight.

Try it out for yourselves and report back with your new Wu names.