Say My Name: What Should Beyoncé and Jay-Z Have Called Their Hypothetical Child?

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US singer Beyonce (R) and her husband US rap singer Jay-Z (L) watch the men's final match in the French Open tennis championship


This baby doesn’t technically exist, but why ruin a good thing?

The Internet went gone crazy yesterday with unsubstantiated reports that singer Beyoncé Knowles was pregnant, but today Beyoncé’s mother Tina had to go and ruin it by denying the rumors. Still, let’s commemorate what might have been: What would have been the best name for Beyoncé and her husband Jay-Z to give their theoretical child?

(See Jay-Z discuss his album The Blueprint III.)

Luckily, we’ve made a list. The options, from least to most awesome:

Solange Carter (girl) — Naming a girl after an aunt isn’t uncommon, but even with the name ‘Solange’ it’s still sort of boring.

Shawn Corey Carter Jr. (boy) — Nothing more classy than named a kid after his dad. Could be cathartic, especially as pops has had issues with his own father in the past.

Beyoncé Knowles Jr. (girl) — The only thing classier than that is naming your daughter after her mom. No one does that. You know why? Because they don’t have the pure guts and will to succeed that Beyoncé does.

Christopher Wallace Carter (boy) — If this happened, it would basically mean that real life had turned into a movie.

(See a video of babies dancing to Beyoncé’s “All The Single Ladies.”)

Survivor Knowles-Carter (either) — Is naming your baby after one of your songs awesome, or awful? Who cares! If you were named “Survivor” would you think there was anything you couldn’t do? (Especially if both your parents are multimillionaires.

Deréon Knowles-Carer (either) — Yeah, that’s right, this child shares a name with Beyoncé’s grandmother. Oh, and also her fashion line. Talk about savvy brand management.

LeToya Luckett Carter OR LaTavia Roberson Carter (girl) — Beyoncé basically already ruined these girls’ lives when she kicked them out of Destiny’s Child for daring to suggest that having Beyoncé’s father manage the group was maybe not in the best interest of its non-Beyoncé members. Now she could finish the job by naming the most powerful celebrity baby since Shiloh Jolie-Pitt after one of them. Just think — that girl wouldn’t even be able to Google themselves without coming upon story after story about how happy and successful Beyoncé was with her new brood. Beyoncé would have stolen these girls’ names, the last thing they had left! This is so deliciously evil that it needs to happen. Get pregnant immediately, Beyoncé!