Jazz Squares for Diplomat Dumps! The Best Scenes from WikiLeaks! The Musical

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Julian Assange is the founder of the whistle-blowing site WikiLeaks

LEON NEAL/AFP/Getty Images

Do you want to know more about the WikiLeaks dump, but don’t want to sift through long reports with large words? Are song and dance numbers really more your thing? Then McSweeney’s has got just the solution for you!

Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s WikiLeaks! The Musical.

The scene is a schoolyard, mid-80’s. The curtain opens with two popular girls withholding information from our sad, pale hero, WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange. This boyhood incident whets his appetite for all unattainable knowledge, and we meet modern day Julian on his quest for classified cables. He is unrepentant as he obtains all kinds of juicy secrets.

“The way I rub my hands together
Demonstrates that I am evil
The dark, malignant overlord
Of all information retrieval”

(See the Top 10 Leaks)

Of course, the backlash begins. “Worldwide condemnation” solos go to Nicholas Sarkozy (“Much of what’s in here/Is rumor and twaddle/Plus, what do I care?/My wife is a model”), Vladimir Putin (shocker: he knew Russian spy poisonings) and Hillary getting in a jab at everyone’s favorite Alaskan (“This self-styled hero, this weasel Australian/Is the worst threat to freedom since Sarah Palin”)

The curtain falls after Julian uses the old ‘chloroform her in a limousine’ trick to reunite with his former playground information-hoarder in an ending  number that alludes to Assange’s rape charges.

(See video of TIME’s exclusive interview with Assange.)

The only question now is casting. The lead role could go to any vampire from Twilight, or Bill Maher, if he’s got the pipes. Julianne Moore already signed on to play Clinton in another film, but NewsFeed always thought Judge Judy would make a fun Hillary. Leo seems to be angling for a Putin role here, but we’re afraid of poison, so that’s all your call, Vladimir, sir (via McSweeney’s).