Alvin Greene’s State House Bid: Five Ways He Should Campaign

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Mary Ann Chastain / AP

He may be unemployed and facing obscenity charges, but he wants to represent you, South Carolina. But first, he’ll need a campaign makeover.

The former Senate candidate has announced his bid for a vacant seat in the South Carolina House of Representatives. If you need a refresher, Alvin Greene stealthily nabbed the Democratic Senate nod in the 2010 midterms but eventually lost the race to incumbent Republican Jim DeMint. With no money and little campaigning, he managed to get a respectable 28% of the vote. NewsFeed has a few ideas to nab Greene the state House seat.

1. Give Out Action Figures of Himself.

The buzzword of the election was unmistakable: jobs, jobs, jobs. And Greene has his own innovative idea to bring jobs to South Carolina – he wants to create action figures of himself. Is Alvin Greene the next Barbie? Maybe he’d be able to turn out the younger crowd – but they may be too young to vote.

2. Make Campaign Appearances as His Alter Ego, “The Ultimate Warrior.”

He’s the only politician we know that’s touted himself as a superhero. He’s even given his powerful alter ego a name: “The Ultimate Warrior.” Bingo! He should show up to campaign events in full superhero garb.  Superhuman strength, courage, and the ability to leap tall buildings in a single bound – now that’s a candidate we can stand behind.

(More from At Home with Alvin Greene.)

3. Spruce Up his Fifth-Grade Website.

Greene’s homepage looks like it was created using Geocities, when anyone could create their own website – but you could only use clip art and had a choice of just five templates.  How about some photos? We hear web design is cheap these days.

4. Look Remotely Interested When Appearing on TV.

He looked robotic when appearing on Countdown with Keith Olbermann in June. Perhaps try a little personality? Maybe rehearsing talking points in front of a mirror would be a good strategy.

(More on NewsFeed: Could Alvin Greene run for president?)

5. For Goodness’ Sake, Try Some Normal Campaign Techniques.

May we recommend yard signs? Meet and greets? Just copy, oh, every other candidate in the country. Greene had no fundraising in the Senate election, paying his filing fee out of his own pocket. He’ll need to assemble some troops and pad the ol’ bank account to spread his message far and wide.

Or perhaps these tips are too far-fetched.  Maybe coming off as an aloof Average Joe is part of Alvin Greene’s ingenious plan. (via New York Times)