Have you heard? They're getting married.
Kate Middleton is doing it all wrong.
Britain’s future princess has only had five months to plan her $30 million wedding to Prince William, which is less than half the time of a usual engagement (and that’s just for normal couples, who do things like go on dates to Applebee’s and get married in a backyard). Sure, some of Kate’s decisions came pre-made—Westminster Abbey is the standard royal wedding location and everybody knew Elton John would be invited—but she still had to do some serious planning in a very short amount of time. Unfortunately, in her haste, Kate (well, more likely the royal family) seems to have made some terrible decisions. Here are five ways the wedding might be a total bust.
1. It starts too early
The royal wedding begins at 11 a.m. Do you know how early Kate Middleton is going to have to wake up in order to be ready by then? She probably won’t sleep very well tonight (would you be able to fall asleep if you knew you were becoming a princess in the morning?) so she’ll most likely be exhausted. If I were Kate, I’d sleep ‘til noon, get my hair done at a leisurely pace and have a 5:00 wedding, just in time to order the servants around at happy hour.
2. They sent out passive-aggressive invitations
The invitation to the Royal Wedding begins with the phrase “Lord Chamberlain is commanded by the Queen to invite,” with the attendee’s name written below in beautiful script. Wait, commanded? That’s sort of a backhanded way to invite someone to a party, isn’t it? The Internet and several British people I know tell me that the Lord Chamberlain title is held by the senior officer of the Royal Household. Apparently the Queen couldn’t even be bothered to invite the guests herself.
3. They invited too many people
A reported 1,900 guests will gather at Westminster Abbey to see the Royal couple tie the knot. Of those, 650 are invited to the wedding reception. How long will it take everyone to get through the receiving line? Or maybe William and Kate won’t be greeting each person individually—in which case they’re just rude. Where are 1,900 people supposed to check their coats?
4. They’re not serving lunch
Forbes estimates Queen Elizabeth II’s personal net worth at $500 million. Yet for some reason, the royal family has decided to skimp on food. There will be no formal sit-down meal served at the Buckingham Palace reception. I don’t think William and Kate will even get to drink from gold goblets. Instead, guests will be dining on “canapés,” or bite-sized snacks presented on trays by waiters circulating through the crowd. That’s right, one of the world’s richest families is going to offer people tiny snacks served on toothpicks.
5. They invited Mr. Bean
He’s just going to knock something over.
Despite these terrible setbacks, the Royal Wedding won’t be a complete disaster. Kate and William have selected a group of rosy-cheeked children to be their bridesmaids and pageboys, and they’ve managed to secure enough horses to pull King Edward VII’s 109-year-old red-and-gold coach from Westminster Abbey to Buckingham Palace after the ceremony. I have not yet read anything about the adorable woodland creatures that Kate Middleton has hired to help her get dressed in the morning (that’s what princesses do, right?) but I assume she’s got that covered.