Shirley Jones or Tom Jones?

Pop quiz: Can you tell the difference between Mrs. Partridge’s sexy new memoir and Henry Fielding’s bawdy classic?

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Actress Shirley Jones visits the SiriusXM Studios on July 23, 2013 in New York City

a) “It seemed that absence had made the heart, and other organs, fonder—for both of us. Which explains what Mrs. Partridge did next.”
b) “Some people said that Mrs. Partridge had caught her husband in bed with his maid, so many other reasons, of a very different kind, went abroad.”

a) “Here are two or three lusty fellows below-stairs.”
b) “He now understood conclusively that threesomes were just not my thing.”

a) “The thought that I might retaliate for Jack’s infidelity and have an affair myself never occurred to me.”
b) “Indeed, Jack, you have played the fool with that girl.”

a) “In a very few minutes they were both naked to the middle.”
b) “I discovered her lying on a couch, half-naked.”

a) “I was born highly sexed, even though I didn’t realize it at that time.”
b) “Nobody can say that I am base born: my grandfather was a clergyman.”

a) “He grabbed me by the hand, pulled me into one of the bedrooms, and closed the door behind us. Oh no, I thought, here we go.”
b) “If you have any great curiosity, madam, I can steal softly into his room, and see whether he be in his own bed or no.”

a) “He was one of those wise men who regard beauty in the other sex as a very worthless and superficial qualification.”
b) Warren, always a world-class Casanova, strolled up to me and said, “You are so beautiful. Would you go out with me?”

a) “I never caught him with another woman.”
b) “He had indulged himself with the person of another woman.”

a) “He had himself greatly admired the uncommon endowments of both her mind and person.”
b) “David also had something in common with Jack: a giant endowment.”

a) “When he repaired to her bed, he was generally so drunk that he could not see.”
b) “The next time we had sex, when he cracked open the capsule, I sniffed the drug known as amyl nitrate (poppers) for the first time in my life.”

1.    a) Shirley; b) Tom
2.    a) Tom; b) Shirley
3.    a) Shirley; b) Tom
4.    a) Tom; b) Shirley
5.    a) Shirley; b) Tom
6.    a) Shirley; b) Tom
7.    a) Tom; b) Shirley
8.    a) Shirley; b) Tom
9.    a) Tom; b) Shirley
10.  a) Tom; b) Shirley

10/10: You really keep up with the Joneses.
8 or 9: Are you a lost Partridge Family member?
5-7: Go easy on the Nick at Nite.
4 or below: Marian the Librarian would like a word with you.