Man Claims Caffeine Drove Him to Grope Women

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Just when you thought you’d heard it all, one man claims caffeine drove him to molest women.

Kenneth Sands was convicted July 3 for groping two women and three teenage girls after a volleyball game in Onalaska, Oregon, on Oct. 18, 2011. His sorry attempt at a defense?

Blame it on the caffeine.

Sands, a school bus driver for the Rainier School District, attempted to argue in court that caffeine “caused a psychotic episode,” reported KOMO News. “My son-in-law and daughter have never seen that kind of behavior from myself,” Sands, 51, told the court.

This “behavior” that Sands claims caffeine induced includes grabbing a 46-year-old woman’s breasts several times during the game and later trying to grab her rear end as she tried to get away; grabbing a 15-year-old’s butt outside of a bus after the game, and then slapping a 16-year-old’s butt as she was getting on the bus. Sands climbed aboard the bus and touched yet another volleyball player before he was kicked off, the Lewis County sheriff’s office told KOMO.

(READ: Obama Signs Federal Ban on “Bath Salt” Drugs)

The court ruled that caffeine was not, in fact, the reason behind Sands’ aggressive and lewd behavior and sentenced him to 30 days for each of the five counts of fourth-degree assault.

Sands’ caffeine defense might have been inspired by the “Twinkie defense,” ABC News suggests. San Francisco supervisor Dan White successfully avoided a first-degree murder conviction for the 1978 assassination of San Francisco City Supervisor Harvey Milk and Mayor George Moscone, claiming his sugary diet caused depression.

Dr. Martin Blinder, the psychiatrist who presented the “Twinkie defense” during the 1979 trial, told ABC News that caffeine could not hold up as a defense because it is made from coffee beans, which are all-natural. “We have no evidence that coffee is harmful,” Blinder told ABC.

Rest assured: drinking too much coffee will not turn you into a serial groper.

MORE: Too Much Coffee Could Hurt Women’s Chances of IVF Success

6 comments
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Holly Kick
Holly Kick

Give him more coffee and see what he does .. 

Dan Bruce
Dan Bruce

He was lucky he didn't get beaned!

Boxingwithangels
Boxingwithangels

Seriously, that twinkie defense worked??

ETA: Upon further investigation, it really wasn't a twinkie defense. It was Ho hos and ding dongs defense. But it was briefly mentioned, and the actual defense was solely a history of depression.

Sara Rose
Sara Rose

Suggested Punishment: Stay at least 100 feet away from any Starbucks.

Holly Kick
Holly Kick

and starbucks is the only place that sells coffee ... like america is the only country in world :)