Star Wars: Episode 1 – The Phantom Menace
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Tagline: See It On The Big Screen
Ask yourself one simple question about the re-release of Star Wars: The Phantom Menace in 3D: Are you (or is anybody you know) remotely excited? As far as Friday Flicks is concerned, our heart sank back in 1999 (at midnight on opening night to boot) when the opening crawl mentioned the word “taxation” in the second sentence. Taxation! If we wanted to know about that, we wouldn’t have gone to the movies in the first place.
The passing of time hasn’t done much in the way of reevaluating George Lucas’s Phantom Menace: the story of young Annakin Skywalker (Jake Lloyd) coming under the tutelage of Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn (Liam Neeson) and his apprentice, Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor), was as much of a snorefest as it sounds. And don’t even get us started on Natalie Portman’s performance (though all was nearly forgiven thanks to Black Swan).
The funny thing about the Phantom Menace isn’t that the hated figure of Jar Jar Binks (who was always there as much for the sake of keeping young children happy as for the marketing opportunities it afforded) ruins it as a spectacle – the LA Times called him “a major miscue, a comic-relief character who’s frankly not funny” – but that the film’s so mind-numbingly dull throughout. And no amount of high-tech pokery can mask over the woeful dialogue and wooden acting (what’s more, the most interesting character, Darth Maul, isn’t in it nearly enough).
But if you haven’t sat through the first part of the Star Wars franchise, you’ll probably want to know what’s been said. The freshest review comes courtesy of Little White Lies: “One more dimension for the fanboys to get all hot and bothered in.” But is that unfair? TIME’s Richard Corliss (we’ve yet to ask him if he’s a fanboy), nailed the madness surrounding the event in 1999, by noting that “The Phantom Menace — surely the most avidly awaited, assiduously hyped film since Gone With the Wind 60 years ago — is a space-age vehicle that creaks.” J. Hoberman, then of The Village Voice, went one step further, stating that “There is nothing in this noisy, overdesigned bore to equal the excitement generated by the mere idea of the trailer.” And even Peter Travers of Rolling Stone, who surely lends his name to more raves on posters than any critic in the history of cinema, was unmoved: “The actors are wallpaper, the jokes are juvenile, there’s no romance, and the dialogue lands with the thud of a computer-instruction manual.”
LIST: 10 Things We (Still) Kinda Hate About The Phantom Menace
The Vow
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Tagline: Inspired by true events.
You might have heard of the recent movie The Descendants, starring that George Clooney fellow? It recounts how his character deals with life after his wife goes into a coma. But now we find ourselves confronted by The Vow, which details Paige’s (Rachel McAdams) struggle to recollect her life with her husband Leo (Channing Tatum) after she loses her memory in a car accident. Nothing like a happy storyline to get your Valentine’s Day week into gear!
To be fair to The Vow, if this is the kind of film that does it for you, McAdams’s performance seems to be as powerful as Clooney’s is in his Oscar-nominated role (perhaps she’ll be up for an award this time next year). “Much of the appeal is down to McAdams, on such charming form that it’s just plain enjoyable to watch her,” notes Total Film. “The few weaknesses in the plot can be overlooked as The Vow makes for a wonderful — if a bit teary — romance that is brilliantly acted,” is Empire‘s verdict. Perhaps when it comes to cinema, amnesia is impossible to forget.
PHOTOS:Valentine’s Day Comes to First Grade
Safe House
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Tagline: No One Is Safe
The immediate award of tagline of the year (our most recent winner was Clash of the Titans for “Titans Will Clash”) goes to Safe House for No One Is Safe. Thanks for that, Hollywood.
The only way from there is up, right? Denzel Washington, who is as safe a pair of hands as possible with material such as this, and Ryan Reynolds (the Ryan they cast when Gosling isn’t available) are the leads in this action-thriller. Washington is ex-CIA, and thus contractually obligated to be a dangerous renegade, who re-emerges onto the grid after a decade on the run. But when the South African safe house he’s in is attacked by mercenaries, rookie operative Reynolds escapes with him. Be warned: chase sequences will surely ensue.
As will lukewarm reviews. “Denzel Washington is a reliable actor, giving a commanding performance, but it’s hard to see why this actioner was a hot property on a list of unproduced spec scripts,” observes Emanuel Levy. “Washington is like the aging wolf who knows all the tricks and goes easy on the cub who’s still finding his balance,” is the slightly more upbeat verdict over at Hollywood & Fine. And OK! magazine can’t help itself, bearing in mind what’s coming up next week, claiming that “You can probably find a better way to spend a pre-Valentine’s weekend night, even if you’re alone and just flipping through channels on TV.” And if you do happen to be flipping through the channels, chances are that an example of Washington in his prime will be on.
MORE: TIME’s Review of Safe House
NewsFeed’s Flicks Pick: Never let it be said that Friday Flicks doesn’t have a heart: The Vow is the clear winner, and not just because February 14 is nearly upon us. Please send all love letters to the usual address.